Top down, hair pulled back, music blaring. A moderate 80 degrees outside. I took a right at the stop sign, and made a B line down the road. Breathing in the Fresh air from outside, and just like that a smile creeped up on my face leaving my lips grinning from ear to ear.
J O Y
I think sometimes we get so into pleasing God that we become these little carbon copies of what we think he wants (religious mindset of I can only ever listen to christian radio), and I know- I know we are supposed to be more like him from glory to glory as we live here on our way to see him one day, but what about how he took them time to hand make us so unique? I grew up with a young mom who loved 80’s classic rock. When I am just shooting the breeze my go-to tunes that are not worship songs, are sung by The Cars, The Outfield, Queen, Steve Miller Band, the list goes on. These songs take me back to my childhood. Those moments when it was just me and my CD Stereo, no responsibilities, no cares about adulting and stresses of adult life.
This summer has been super heavy. Ash (that is me) is learning about vulnerability and how I have missed out on a lot of LIFE suppressing, stuffing, numbing, pretending, seeking perfection to fill the lack there of. With some help I have been able to make some mind – heart connections to some things I have done wrong. Guilty of even making my way to control the outcome of any given thing my own idol. I am not God nor do I have his sovereign power to work anything out for good on my own, so why manipulate situations to get a good outcome. Every good thing comes from him, and him alone.
So this rare moment of actually enjoying one moment of this summer season, I could fill the happiness and joy returning to my heart. I didn’t want it to end. I was feeling like me. The girl God created. Spunky, quirky, silly me, and I had missed that girl.
She actually started to vanish the day I received the news that I have an autoimmune disease that is attacking my brain and spine. There is a whole span of pictures for over a whole 12 months where I stopped smiling. I lost the me to replace the new broken me. I had let my sorrows and worry dictate my personality as a whole. I let the darkness in and it was trying to cast over the light. I can see it all so clearly now. I can see how the enemy comes in to steal, kill, destroy using any thing possible to cast shade on the light inside of us. The good thing about light is that it Exposes the darkness, and although darkness crept in, I went to the Light Source and asked him for help.
If you feel heavy, live a little. Relax…and find something that makes you feel like your happy, joyful self!
Leigh Leigh Speaks 
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