A glimpse of my past

For the past three years I have been searching for indentiy, Identity in myself, as a mom, as a wife, as a woman, and as a participate on this planet playing the game life. I have been searching for meaning, and purpose.

There is nothing more attractive, and I am not talking about physical looks, there is nothing that will suck you in like a magnet then knowing someone who is the real thing! They make your crave what they have, originality and truth to themselves and to others.

My whole life I have measured my worth on other’s acceptance. I have been esteeming myself based on others opinions, their critics, their approval. This even stems down to how my children appreciate or don’t appreciate the small or big things I do.

I have been guilty at times of trying to rush raising small children. I have been guilty of rushing my life away to the point of thinking that if I can ever raise my children to become suitable young adults, I will be able to soar in any career path I chose.

Reality hit my like a ton of bricks today as I was about to let my now 8 year old son out of the car so he could begin his day at school. My eyes whelped up with tears, as I was thinking, quick say anything, does he know how much I love him, does he know how his existence brings so much joy and happiness into my life? In this moment, I could not wait any longer, he needed to know now! I spoke my gentle words of affirmation and love over him, and I kissed his little for head like I do every morning and he quickly jetted out to make a b line to the door.

The reality is I am 29 years old and just a few short weeks ago I was dropping my Step Son off who is now 16. He will never know this, but I watched him walk farther away from my car towards the High School. This tall young man of 6 foot 3 becoming the image of a 5 foot person between on the other end of the distance that was in between us.  Where did time go? I remember dropping him off like his little brother off to 2nd grade. Where did it go? Then the anxiety kicked in. I know soon I will be watching my 8 year old son walking into High School as a 16 year old teen age boy. My heart grew heavy, tears rolled down my cheeks, as I thanked God for all my children and the years we have had together up to this point, and then carried on.

I know every mom goes through the whole it just goes by so quick stage as they are prepping their once baby boy or baby girl for the senior graduation! Maybe I am lucky one by having two sets of children? I can appreciate the small things and all the short moments we will have together because I know now how precious they are, and just how fleeting our time will be to make the memories with them while they are little children.

I am not the same woman I was a few short years ago, wishing her life away quickly, waiting for her moment to find out what true success is. The Lord has laid it heavy on my heart to stop living for future accomplishments, and start living for Today!

This is the day that the Lord has made, I will rejoice in be glad in it.

Romans 12:6 has found its self into my direction twice this week. WE are each given gifts by the grace of God. IF I could only figure out what that gift is God it could just make more sense. I could invest into this gift, water this gift, nurture this gift. Then it hit me. What if my gift is just to love by showing my children and my husband hospitality.

I was reminded today as I Was giving my preschoolers their chapel lesson, what Jesus did at the last supper. He washed his disciplies feet. The last memory they would have of him together with him would be him washing their feet before they ate dinner. Washing dirty feet!! WAshing dirty feet! Washing Dirty feet!

I wash dirty sheets, dirty bodies, dirty dishes, dirty clothes, dirty rooms, dirty messes, dirty faces, the list goes on. I do this not out of obligation but out of love. Okay back up, maybe I once did it out of obligation to said “Mom Title” but I want to live for more then an obligation. I want to live with a purpose, a passion. I want to LOVE to wash anything for my family because I LOVE them.

Trust me you can tell a difference when someone does their job if they really love what they are doing, or if it’s out of obligation to a job title. I know I can anyways.

My grand accomplishments that are awaiting in the unseen future horizon, can actually be accomplished today and every day after that. Loving Jesus, Serving others, and loving others. This is my mission set out to be accomplished.

My prayer is that I never lose sight or focus on how important LOVING MY FAMILY AND SERVING MY FAMILY IN LOVE CAN BE!

And so it has to be said, because this was brought up tonight by dear Step Son. Yes my PB&J sandwiches may be a little unbalanced. So I might put 80 percent PB and 20% Jelly, or you may end up with the 80% Jelly 20 % PB that day in your lunch box, but I can promise you with way that PB&J is made by the hands of a woman who truly loves you, and sincerely hopes it makes your tummy happy and full. I am not perfect neither is my lunches I pack, but I can promise you that you will never taste one once of love out of a premade PB&J in the frozen section at the store. 😉

Motherhood….wow just when you think you have experienced all your growing up from a child through adolence to adulthood, your wrong. I have never had the opptertunity to grow more then over the years of being a Mom!

*This post is 3 years old and was found in my drafts this morning. 😵

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