Category: Faith

In the Middle of the Storm: Learning Who I Am While Life Is Unresolved

I am in the middle.

In the thick of it.

The chaos is swirling from every direction, and my mind is constantly trying to process the ebbs and flows of the punches life keeps throwing.

I started this blog from the perspective of learning how to stay steady in yourself while life remains unresolved…

and here I am.

Still learning.

Still becoming.

I have found myself this year in a constant battle—not of fixing everything around me—but of not losing myself while everything around me feels unstable.

Anger. Confusion. Resentment. A deep sense of unfairness.

It all stacks up.

It becomes heavy.

Unsettling.

And unlike anything I can simply “step away from.”

There is no escape plan for this kind of storm.

No shelter to hide in.

No boat to ride it out safely in the distance.

It is just me.

Facing me.

Learning me.

Trying to cope with things that feel unresolved and without clear reconciliation.

Relationships are hard.

Especially in dysfunctional family dynamics.

It often feels like no one gets what they want while continuing to repeat the same cycles over and over again.

But I have become aware.

Aware of the patterns.
Aware of the cycles.
Aware that I actually have the power to step out of the constant rotation I’ve found myself in.

But awareness is not simple.

Awareness brings clarity—but it can also bring fear.

And fear, if we are not careful, can begin to change us.

It can make us emotionally numb. Bitter. Angry. Detached.

It can slowly reshape our inner character.

Because the human body wants to protect itself from pain.

And sometimes, in trying to avoid our own pain… we end up passing pain onto others.

And I don’t want to become that person.

The one who was hurt and then hurts others.

I have spent my whole life fighting not to become that version of myself.

But I would be lying if I said there aren’t moments lately…

where the temptation to become cold just to survive feels easier.

Where becoming the “villain” in someone else’s story feels like a form of protection.

Because when you have been pushed aside for a long time…

unseen…
unheard…
unappreciated…

it wears you down.

So I sit.

I write.

I think.

I try to make sense of what is swirling inside of me.

And I gently ask myself:

Who do you want to be when this storm passes?

Because even if it takes years…

it will pass.

Do I want to become jaded?

Cynical?

Bitter?

Closed off?

Emotionally disconnected?

Or do I want to stay soft in places where life is trying to harden me?

I have learned that suppressing my emotions for too long has taken a toll on me—not just emotionally, but physically as well.

So I am learning to be present in my body.

To sit with what I feel instead of burying it.

And today, when I try to push it all aside, I ask myself:

Will I let circumstance and injustice change who I am at my core?

Will I let it dim my light?

Will I let it taint the way I love?

“To thine own self be true.”

It is a phrase I keep tucked in my heart on days like this.

And I can’t help but also hear the words of Jesus whispering in my spirit:

“The truth shall set you free.”

I want freedom from this storm.

I want forgiveness in my heart.

I want truth.

I want reconciliation.

I want clarity.

And I believe that if certain truths were exposed, it would bring freedom.

But sometimes… that exposure doesn’t come when we want it to.

And maybe that is where the deeper work is done.

Maybe the only way through the waiting is not losing ourselves in the process.

Maybe the path forward is staying anchored in who we truly are.

Anchored in truth.

Anchored in love.

Anchored in God.

Because I do believe there is a line we all walk.

A dangerous one I am learning to recognize:

The line between peace and control.

Because it is easy to manipulate situations in the name of peace.

To perform love.

To keep things calm on the surface while suppressing what is real underneath.

But that kind of peace is fragile.

It doesn’t last.

It breaks when life shifts again.

So instead, I am learning this:

Do not build peace on control.
Do not build love on performance.
Do not build healing on suppression.

Stay anchored.

Stay rooted.

Stay true.

Even when nothing around you feels resolved.

Steady.
Present.
Trusting God in the middle.

If you’re in a season that feels unresolved, heavy, or emotionally loud… I want you to know you’re not alone in it.

Have you ever found yourself trying to stay true to who you are while everything around you feels like it’s shifting?

I’d love to hear from you.

Faith requires something only you can give!

I asked Jesus in my ❤️ when I was 10 years old. I rededicated my life to him when I was 24. I’m 37 now and the Holy Spirit is really trying to get me to understand how faith works.
Yes I know with out faith it is impossible to please God, but to truly understand that Faith is a supernatural power that effects both spiritual and physical aspects of my life is a revelation I am seeking.
The Kingdom of God operates opposite to this world we live in. So it doesn’t make sense to tell someone rest in Jesus when we are in so much suffering, pain, and fear of the unknown.
This is where faith must be stronger then reasoning.
My efforts get me no where when I try and control the whys to the trials.
Faith even though it’s so much harder to grasp in logical understanding is actually super easy to live by if we can just grasp it’s power.
Faith actually takes away our striving to control. Because we Trust that God is going to work it out for our good no matter what! This MS diagnosis has made me physically weaker in a lot of aspects but actually spirituality supernatural stronger.
Maybe what you need to do is just let go of what’s holding you down. For me it’s always logic/ reasoning. I’m always in my own head trying to figure it all out.
For once freedom has slipped into a crack of my weakness and I am beginning to see how this Faith thing was designed for my good. ❤️🙌🏻🌈🕊💃🏼🥊🦁

The Good Shepherd

 

Psalm 23 TPT

David’s poetic praise to God[a]
1 The Lord is my best friend and my shepherd.[b]
I always have more than enough.
2 He offers a resting place for me in his luxurious love.[c]
His tracks take me to an oasis of peace, the quiet brook of bliss.[d]
3 That’s where he restores and revives my life.[e]
He opens before me pathways to God’s pleasure
and leads me along in his footsteps of righteousness[f]
so that I can bring honor to his name.
4 Lord, even when your path takes me through
the valley of deepest darkness,
fear will never conquer me, for you already have!
You remain close to me and lead me through it all the way.
Your authority is my strength and my peace.[g]
The comfort of your love takes away my fear.
I’ll never be lonely, for you are near.
5 You become my delicious feast
even when my enemies dare to fight.
You anoint me with the fragrance of your Holy Spirit;[h]
you give me all I can drink of you until my heart overflows.
6 So why would I fear the future?
For your goodness and love pursue me all the days of my life.
Then afterward, when my life is through,
I’ll return to your glorious presence to be forever with you!

 

This Psalm resonates peace in my spirit in a time of uncertainty. Jesus our Good Shepherd, our Friend. Why Should I fear the Future? For His goodness and love pursues me all the days of my life. ALL the days of my life! Amen!

Freedom in the hurting

Dear Girl who has been hurt by people over and over again, this post is for you.

I pray right now that the Lord would move over your heart and your mind as you read these words because you are so fearlessly authentically made by God the creator of the whole universe; the one who spoke it all into existence with the sound of his mighty voice, and you my sweet girl are no accident, you were created for a heavenly eternal purpose.

We have an enemy on earth who comes to kill steal and destroy , but Jesus came to give you life, true life to the full! With out accepting Christ in your heart (no offense) but, you along with me, and everyone else is literally the walking dead.

“O Lord, you hear the desire of the afflicted; you will strengthen their heart; you will incline your ear to do justice to the fatherless and the oppressed, so that man who is of the earth may strike terror no more.”

Psalms 10:17-18 ESV

The walking dead are who the Bible calls orphans, or the fatherless. God wants to adopt you and make you his daughter. I know it may sound crazy but until we receive Jesus Christ in our hearts we are missing the inheritance that is from our Heavenly Father God and what his son died so brutally for us to obtain and use! Freedom from your past and true freedom from the pain caused by others is included in your inheritance!!!

God can supernaturally heal every brokenness inside of you in the blink of an eye!

“Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, who has blessed us in Christ with every spiritual blessing in the heavenly places, even as he chose us in him before the foundation of the world, that we should be holy and blameless before him. In love he predestined us for adoption to himself as sons through Jesus Christ, according to the purpose of his will, to the praise of his glorious grace, with which he has blessed us in the Beloved. In him we have redemption through his blood, the forgiveness of our trespasses, according to the riches of his grace, which he lavished upon us, in all wisdom and insight making known to us the mystery of his will, according to his purpose, which he set forth in Christ as a plan for the fullness of time, to unite all things in him, things in heaven and things on earth. In him we have obtained an inheritance, having been predestined according to the purpose of him who works all things according to the counsel of his will, so that we who were the first to hope in Christ might be to the praise of his glory. In him you also, when you heard the word of truth, the gospel of your salvation, and believed in him, were sealed with the promised Holy Spirit, who is the guarantee of our inheritance until we acquire possession of it, to the praise of his glory.”

Ephesians 1:3-14 ESV

I’m actually really excited you have reached a place to where you can experience the pain caused by others. I had a lot of pride and it hindered me from allowing God to heal my hurts and pains once and for all. It’s okay and normal to feel the consequences of actions caused by others, what’s not okay is to stay in that hurt and live in a victim mentality!

(Not saying you are.)

Father God I pray right now Lord that you would allow her to feel your presence and your love as you are calling her out of the darkness and pain and into the light of your loving arms. The arms of a father who will never ever let us down, you promise a Good plan for our lives, you promise to never leave us nor forsake us, father I pray that if she doesn’t know your son Jesus that you would remove any confusion Satan has blinded her heart and mind with and receive your love, your light, your joy, your happiness, and peace that passes all understanding.

“because, if you confess with your mouth that Jesus is Lord and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved. For with the heart one believes and is justified, and with the mouth one confesses and is saved. For the Scripture says, “Everyone who believes in him will not be put to shame.”

For “everyone who calls on the name of the Lord will be saved.””

Romans 10:9-11, 13 ESV

Father I pray she would accept your invitation to be adopted by you and receive a life of freedom through your son Jesus! In Jesus name I pray, amen!

Secret way to Release Unforgiveness

1 peter 311

 

“Unforgiveness is like drinking poison and hoping the other person dies.” Margaret Stunt

If you are breathing, there is someone you have encountered in your life that has offended you. Forgiveness is one of most powerful weapons I believe Jesus gave us. Ephesians 4:32 tells us to be kind to each other, forgiving one another, just as God through Christ has forgiven us. Jesus tells us in Matthew 6:14 “If you forgive those who sin against you, your heavenly Father will forgive you.”

If you are breathing, there is someone you have encountered in your life that you have offended. We need people to forgive us just as much as we need to forgive them.

Unforgivness harbors ANGER, BITTERNESS, HATE,  and RESENTMENT. These are very dangerous to our hearts as they produce unrighteousness. James 1:20 tells us that Human anger does not produce the righteousness God desires. It will fester in your heart. It will become this ugly monster and the more you replay the offense over and over in your mind, the bigger the monster grows. It continues to grow until it consumes you! It consumes your thoughts, your actions, your conversations, and it steals you happiness and joy! Unforgivness really is poison!

God promises that if we will just trust him, he will avenge his children. Romans 12:19 “Dearly beloved, avenge not yourselves, but rather give place unto wrath; for it is written, Vengeance is mine; I will repay, saith the Lord.” I know this is easier to be said then done. I know we want instant gratification to our flesh. We want them to feel as horrible as we do in the instance the offense is made against us.

Unforgivness is a THIEF! IT steals from you!

So today I would like to share with you a little secret of mine! It’s my secret way I release unforgivness to offenses made against me. I am a tangible type of girl. I like to touch and feel things. When you think about anger you may think violence. I like to release my emotions in motion for the most part. ( Best stress release is running and working out!) That is just what “feels” good to me. So when I discovered I could make my offenses tangible and them tear them apart to shreds, it turned my intangible hurts into tangible things! Stay with me now, as I try to explain this.

It is not all about just tearing paper apart it is about seeking the Lord in prayer first!

It is about freeing myself from anger and putting into action my faith that Jesus will take care of me. With every tear, I am experessing my trust and obedience to him. He is a healer. He knows us better than we even know our ownself and he hurts when we are hurting. If you have a hard time believing this and you are a parent, then just think about how you feel when someone messes with your child? Does the word Anger strike a chord? We are God’s children, he cares about what people do to us. He promises to take care of them one way or the other in his time. He knowing all, knows the best way to handle them as well! When we act out in anger we end up just getting into trouble. We pay evil for evil and nothing good ever comes out of the situation.

HOW TO RELEASE UNFORGIVENESS (pursuing peace)

#1 Go to the Lord in Prayer. Be honest with him. Let him know you are very hurt but you don’t want to stay that way. Ask him to heal your brokenness. Ask him to have the ability to forgive like he forgives and love like he loves. If you are a child of God, you have this ability in you, through the Holy Spirit that is living inside of you.

#2 Write the offense (offenses) down on paper.

outofheart

#3 Say out loud (The offender’s name) I forgive you for (what you wrote down on the paper).

#4 TEAR up the paper and let the anger, resentment, and hurt go……yup….drop it, and release its poison from your heart.

tearit up

#5 Throw your pieces in the trash, and forget about it.

#6 If you really, really, really want to make the DEVIL mad for trying to trip you up on that unforgivness poison, then go out and bless that offender some how! (mind blown)

OVER COME EVIL WITH GOOD! Romans 12:21

When the devil tries to bring back up the offense, and it tries to sneak back into your heart, make sure that you remind yourself that you have already burned that bridge, and pray for strength to not fall back into temptation of unforgiveness.

To be honest there may be times where you are having to do this regularly with a particular individual in your life. Just know that your diligence to keep strife out of your life and peace in your heart will not go unrewarded. Pray for this person. Pray for peace in that relationship. Sometimes we just have to move on and not allow ourselves to continue to be in their line of fire of offenses. If it becomes habitual you may just have to tell yourself that the problem is deep-rooted in them, so stop taking it personal! When we give our hurts over to God and let him heal us and take care of the offender for us, we can have peace and it keeps us from getting ourselves in trouble, which breads self-guilt and self-condemnation.

Maybe today you just need to forgive yourself? You hold the power to what takes roots in your own heart. Guilt and condemnation only make us weak and bring us into more sin. 

Remember 1 Peter 3:11 STOP THE CYCLE TODAY of STRIFE and PURSUE PEACE!

Love yourself enough to stop taking the toxic unforgiveness poison!

A great book to read on forgiveness is Joyce Meyer’s book Do Yourself a Favor …. Forgive! It’s on Ibooks and Amazon. My computer is not allowing me to copy and paste the link. I will try and plus this up later.

XOXO

Leigh Leigh

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24 Hours of NO COMPLAINING Challange completed

 

 

3set

Let me first say, there were ample amounts of moments where I literally had to force my hands over my mouth to keep quiet!

I witnessed a little anxiety along with slight anger rising up in me yesterday as I completed tasks on my to do list with four children. So what did my day look like exactly? Let me explain!

7:10am I woke up to a text message from my dear Step Son. He didn’t make it to practice this morning and had requested a ride to the gym at 6:50am. I did not receive this message because I was off in dream land. When I hurried to get ready to take him, he decided it was too late and didn’t want to go.

I also woke up with this huge painful bump on my left arm pit (What? Really who gets a bump on their arm pit?) I shrugged it off, oh well, it will eventually go away I decided. No complaining over a painful bump.

8:41am After closing my notebook after writing my blog vowing to not complain for the next 24 hours, I grabbed my phone to check the email.  My phone had completely froze as in it was not powering on at all. In a panic I began to push buttons to reset it, nothing, it was lifeless. I know it wasn’t dead because I had like a 86% charge when I woke that morning. I kind of chuckled to myself and proceeded to plug it up, of course it came on and I was able to check my email.

I spent the next 3 hours cleaning my home. We just returned from a week and a half vacation and I do not clean on VACATION! 😉 The house was very much out of order and needed lots of TLC on my part to nurse it back to a soft place to land for dear Husband when he would arrive home from work in the afternoon. During the course of these three hours I got to listen to my children complain about several things. I just kept going, kept positive, and focused on completing the house cleaning. While I was cleaning up the living room, my cat, Thaddeus, decided he wanted to act like a crazy monkey while I was vacuuming. He jumped on the table beside my couch and knocked over my new lamp. As it went crusading to the floor, I thought, NOOOOO, please, please don’t tell me it broke. He has never done this before. I knew right away it was a trap to get me to stumble. I quickly set the lamp up and proceded to straighten the metal part the lamp shade sits on. It was very crooked after the fall. The lamp shade was going to survive the fall. (yea!)

*I should have recorded this with a picture, but my camera was in the other room and of course taking a picture was the last thing on my mind!

I surived the complaints my children made over the lunch I prepared for them. “I didn’t want ham, I wanted turkey.” “Mom, she got more chips then me!” The list of complaints continued. I gritted my teeth, and smiled. After all it was just 12 o’clock, I got this I thought to myself! Piece of cake!

Then it happened, you know the realization of knowing you have to take your taking children into PUBLIC and removing your children from the confined walls of their fortress! If your a Mom then you know what I am talking about. Once you escape your safe fortress your children turn into the creatures you can’t quiet recognize in public settings, the Nice Mommy face comes on and they know they are about to get away with murder!!!

 Yes I was about to attempt the unthinkable………….Doctor appointment with four KIDS!

waiting

 

Dear Step Son had to get his Physical for the upcoming football season so we got to wait on him for about 45 minuets. Incase you are wondering when we left this building it was around 2:15pm. I got to literally listen to my 7 year old Son complain for the whole duration of the wait. “Mom, I am so bored. There is nothing to do here!” I am not exatruting when I say, this rant was repeated over, and over, and over again. The anxiety was about to start setting in. Could I sit here and watch them make the waiting room into their own personal circus ring? I mean a few fish in a tank can only occupy these crazies for so long! LOL Crazies because that is what they turn into when you take them to a waiting room! Although I am very proud of myself. I feel like I kept my composure and with the exception of my 7 year old, no one was embarrassed. We survived and no Mommy complaints. ZIIIING!

Our public outings where not complete after the doctor visit. Now it was time to tackle the Grocery Shopping for this week! Again, as a Mom, you know how well behaved your children will act while Mommy shops diligently and gracefully for groceries. (HA)

store

 

I believe this shopping experience lasted about 45 minuets. I did however have the lovely opportunity to have my dear Step Son step on my flip flop, causing me to almost face plant right smack on the floor, however I am thankful to add that there was no planting of my face that day. One flip flop went flying out infront of me, and my other foot got a boo boo where the flip flop thong rubs against your big two and that toe beside it, right in front of two Ladies having a conversation in the middle isle of Wal-Mart. Mean while I can hear something of the sounds of Dear Step Son yelling “OH flat tire, and Sorry!”  Needless to say I was embarrassed as I hurried to grab my shoe and place it back on my foot, so I could go hide in a hole somewhere. I Didn’t react to it, I was just ready to be checked out and headed home.

Parking lot, shoes, Bubble Gum. Yup you guessed it. Can you believe that on the way to the car I actually stepped in ABC Gum? LOL (Already been chewed) I remember ABC gum was a topic back in my childhood days. Sorry, getting off track focus Ash’Leigh! FOCUS! It just all seems so humors to me now! 🙂

gum

 

When I took my first step and it stuck for a slight three seconds longer to the pavement, I knew I had felt that heavy sensation before. I had stepped in bubble gum. As you can notice from the image above, I didn’t just step in gum! No, this gum was apparently alive and decided to JUMP on my flip flop. It was a sticky mess. Immediately I just laughed. Not a little chuckle or a giggle, no this was like a Panic Laugh. I think I really wanted to cry but all I knew to do was laugh! Laugh hard, loud, rambunctiously. It had quickly become a very stressful day, but I REFUSED to give up on my challenge! I scrapped my shoe across the parking lot, hopped in my car, and drove home.

photo 4 (6)

 

Here are my kids leaving the store, as you can see after the doctors appointment and grocery shopping trip they were as worn out as Momma was!

3 O’clock was our present living time. I gave a 60 minuet warning to my girls to finish cleaning the upstairs. Mind you this was a task that they had been working on all morning and still was not even half way complete!

4O’Clock Yea my Husband is home from a hard days work. This is where I needed to pull out the tape to tape my mouth shut because there is just something wired in a woman to want to spew every hardship she encountered that day with the children while Daddy was away. I smiled, grinned, kissed, and hugged him, keeping my lips super glued.

This took a lot out of me, but it was do able!

photo (22)

5pm Gym time. I encountered my friends that I haven’t seen in over a week and a half.  It was so nice to talk to each one of them. However, I picked up very quickly how hard it was not to complain about something that had happened over the trip, or anything else for that matter. We are quick and sneaky with our complaints. Heck, half the time I don’t even realize we are saying them. But again, I quickly focused on other things to talk about and kept it positive! No complaining from me! 🙂

7pm dinner and baths.

10pm BED!

I woke up this morning at 5:20am to make my husband a lunch for his day. I had to wake my smaller children up around 6:30 to take big brother to summer strength and conditioning practice. I prayed, prayed, and prayed God would give me the strength this morning to make it until 8:40am. It was quiet hectic early morning and so to my surprise, when my daughter used my kitchen towel to clean up some cat poop that some how made its way on her leg,

I lost it! Out it came.. “Why do you always get Momma’s good things dirty!! I use this to dry my hands off in the kitchen while I am preparing meals. NASTY!!”

How she even got cat poop on her leg is way beyond my reasoning at this point. I knew I had just complained out loud!

But guess what!?

It was 9:00am WHEW

I MADE IT!!!!

 

I will blog tomorrow about my reflection of this challenge. I have learned so much and I most certainly recommend everyone to take this challenge. If you took this challenge with me and were successful I want to know! If you weren’t successful I want to know too! Did you learn anything more about yourself or others?

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xOxO

-Leigh Leigh