I have a friend who has been dealing with some self-esteem issues. They seem to be deep rooted and have caused problems in her marriage. It’s a tragedy really. As much as I try to help her feel better about the situation, she pretty much just ignores me and brushes the problem under the rug. This is until the next offense occurs, and we go through the same cycle again. She tells me the problem, I try and reassure her that she is magnifying it in her mind, and then I speak some words of affirmation to her and try help her see the root cause, jealousy. She agrees it is a self-esteem problem, but she never fully understands just how to fix it.
Just recently she called me again, crying and upset with one of the same scenarios. She is very self conscious of her body after a carrying a couple of babies and the extra pounds that attached themselves onto her hips resulting in the high demands, stress, and late night munchies all of us moms can relate to. If she catches her husband as much as looking at another woman, fully clothed or half clothed, she immediately attacks him. She fills her mind up with wrong thoughts, and fuels the fights with her fury and anger. In his defense he feels helpless because in his mind he hasn’t done anything wrong.
It can be a tool of control for some women. They don’t feel they have much control of anything else, but they can control how they are going to treat their Man when he is caught looking at another woman. Fury fueled mean words come darting across the room until they penetrate the heart of their target. They are not happy until he is hanging his head in defeat, tale tucked between his legs. “I did it! I made him feel sorry! I win.” But sweetie you didn’t win anything.
You don’t feel any better after the fight is over. You have actually just deteriorated some of the love fibers that make up the threads that hold you two together. Little by little you are taking something away from the relationship and your love as a whole is being effected in a negative manner.
A random thought popped into my head here recently after I had time to process her latest offense, and left me with a question. I wanted to ask her, “How do you think you will solve this jealousy problem that seems to dictate your happiness in your marriage? Do you catch yourself fantasizing about if only I had another Husband, he wouldn’t make me feel so badly compared to another beautiful woman on TV, the internet, the shopping mall, the baseball game, where ever?”
PERFECT HUSBANDS don’t exist, because there is no perfect person living on this PLANET!
The honest truth is, another man isn’t going to not do what your husband is doing. And honestly if he isn’t lusting over her and indulging in pornography, or pursing an affair, asking for her numbers, etc.. he hasn’t made any offense. When you are in the grocery store minding your business do you not ever meet stares of a member of the opposite sex? Do you never just look at people in general? Of course you do!
So what is it about this other woman that has you feeling so worthless? What is it about his stare that makes you believe he thinks you are not good enough or attractive enough to be called his beloved and prized wife?
Is it her lean slender body? You could always change your eating habits, join a gym and strive to become more active. Over time, and let me tell you this wont happen over night, or even in a few weeks, but maybe months to a year, your body will change and you will appear to be lean and slender.
Is it her long beautiful hair? You could take lots of vitamins, research all those pinterest posts on how to grow thick long beautiful hair, make hair masks, only brush it when it is dry, etc… all those silly antics we are all suppose to believe. Over time, you will have long beautiful hair.
What is it? What does she have that you feel like you don’t have?
As put together and perfect as she may appear in this whole 1.2 seconds that your man is looking at her, she is no different than you. We are women, we all have our quirks and our own flaws, and trust me there is not one single person out there who isn’t insecure about something!
But my point is this… can I whisper some sweet truth into your ear today, and hope and pray that this little truth acts as a patch that repairs the self hating, self condemning holes drilled out by your insecurities you have created in your head about your image of yourself…
Your worth is not diminished by the amount of stares your husband gives another woman!
I will say it again; your worth is not diminished by the amount of stares your husband gives another woman.
He may be intrigued by her outward beauty, but inside she could be the ugliest snake that has slithered the Earth; or CRAZIEST! 😉
1 Samuel 16:7
“But the LORD said to Samuel, “Do not consider his appearance or his height, for I have rejected him. The LORD does not look at the things man looks at. Man looks at the outward appearance, but the LORD looks at the heart.”(NIV)
So now what? Have you caused your whole day to be ruined, and your relationship and security with your husband to suffer because of a pretty girl who happened to walk across your mans path and he noticed?
Your husband isn’t responsible for your self worth or your identity. Don’t ever let him have that kind of control or power, because unfortunately he isn’t the perfect husband, and you will be disappointed. Don’t put that kind of pressure on him, no one deserves to have that kind of pressure on them, honestly. There is only one who can handle that kind of pressure and he goes by the identity of I AM! 🙂
Your self worth should come from your creator, and when he had finished knitting you in your mothers womb so fearfully and so wonderfully said, this is GOOD!
The truth is, you can pretty much fix anything these days your not happy with on your body thanks to modern day plastic surgery, liposuction, face lifts, injections, fake hair, fake tans, fake anything really. My opinion on all the fake stuff doesn’t count for much. Opinions of others shouldn’t matter, and to each their own. I say do whatever you need to do to feel good about yourself with of course the logic of balance! 😉 But if you don’t fix what is going on in the inside of your heart, your mind, your soul, you are never going to be completely happy with yourself or your outward appearance. You are just going to waste a lot of money, effort, and time in the process of fixing something you were not created to fix.
Please just STOP measuring your value in the wrong places! Stop letting the devil get into your head and OFFENDING you! First of all you have no clue what he is thinking when he is just looking at what is in front of him, unless you can read his mind! Then you are like some kind of super woman! 🙂 You are only listening to those lies Satan plants in your mind.
There was obviously something pretty fantastic about you that struck him silly and said, “Out of all the beautiful women on this planet, I must have this one! I pick her!”
Absorb the following truths found in scripture:
“You are precious in my eyes, honored, and loved…” Isaiah 43: 4
“Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as elaborate hairstyles and the wearing of gold jewelry or fine clothes. Rather, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God’s sight.” (NIV)1 Peter 3:3-4
“Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting: but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised.” (NIV) Proverbs 31:30
The point God is trying to drive home in scripture is this; the heart is what makes you beautiful. The heart controls your beauty.
I don’t think 1 Peter 3:3-4 is literally saying you should never buy any pretty clothing or jewelry. It is just trying to make you focus on inner beauty because, um, in case you’ve forgotten, these bodies we live in are only temporary. No amount of botox or hours on the treadmill and hitting the bar bells are going to save us from aging! If you value yourself based on your outward appearance you are going to be left feeling empty and sad when you are old and wrinkly because of the beautiful results of a long life lived.
If you have a beautiful heart ,that you know with out a shadow of a doubt is valued by God, you will see yourself differently. You wont even be wasting your time on silly thoughts because you will know the truth, and it will set you free from comparison to any other beautiful woman or feeling devalued.
God didn’t give her anything more than he gave you. He didn’t use all his efforts on knitting her beautifully together, and then decide to use all the scrap piles for knitting you. He doesn’t work that way!
ALL things were created GOOD and for his GLORY, which means you were created GOOD and for his GLORY.
If you are a child of God, then you are valued to Him because when he sees you, he sees his Son, Jesus!
Don’t keep running around those same circles with Satan who is only trying to screw up your happiness! You are fantastic! You are enough! You are beautiful!
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