Gossiping With Our Daughters Does More Harm then Good

With their mouths the godless destroy their neighbors, but through knowledge the righteous escape. Proverbs 11:9

Hey Momma! I wanted to shine some light on an area I believe as Mom’s we tend to over look because we think we are woman and by nature we like to gossip or defend with gossip especially pertaining to our daughters.

It is something we learned a long time ago in our childhood. We got upset. Some girl hurt our feelings so who do we trust? Who do we go and run to in a state of crisis (especially the younger aged girls trying to figure out life in 4th grade on up) Our Momma!! By God’s design as a woman and mother we are the spiritual guiders and the protectors of our children. After all, they are the fruit of our wombs, our treasures, our babies, and NO ONE better inflict pain or grief on what is ours! When we are not spiritually discerning and concentrating on TRUTH, we can over look our position as the soft landing, the hug, the reassurance, the security that they are so desperately needing in that moment of such horrific attack. So what we do is at an early age we create a very bad habit of teaching them to cope with their feelings by slinging mud back. We teach them that it is okay to lower someone else’s character/personality/actions by counter attacking with harsh and mean words to make us feel better in that moment.

It commonly can look like this…

“Mom! I am so upset! Kaitlyn today started to make fun of my jeans at lunch. She was telling everyone that I can’t be friends with her or whoever likes her because I am a mean person. Ugh she makes me so mad, she is the one that is stupid and says mean things to those girls she thinks are her friends behind their back. It really hurt my feelings when she started making fun of my jeans. I know I have different style but in front of every one in the cafeteria. Everyone was staring at me and laughing and I just wanted to hide under the table.”

Angry Momma Bear response;

“Kaitlyn huh? You mean Kaitlyn the girl who always has a dirty sweater on and her hair is never brushed? I can’t believe that girl had the nerve after all the things she wears. I mean I can’t even believe her mom lets her leave this house like that? Do they even own a washing machine? Don’t worry about her honey, you are way prettier, way smarter, why stylish then her. She is just jealous. Next time talk about her dirty hair at the lunch table. That should make her stop.”

And wow it just gets really ugly and out of control fast.

The tongue has the power of life and death, and those who love it will eat its fruit. Proverbs 18:21

When we gossip we are two people speaking words of power (blessings and curses) and coming into agreement with them together. The mud we are slinging back onto the girls are not from heaven. They are from the pits of hell. We know Satan is the Accuser of the brethren. Can you see all the curses that are flying when we team up with our daughter and fight back with unkindness?

 With the tongue we praise our Lord and Father, and with it we curse human beings, who have been made in God’s likeness. 10 Out of the same mouth come praise and cursing. My brothers and sisters, this should not be. James 3:9-10

Instead what we can do is lure the enemy into our camp, and then STRIKE HIM DOWN.

So what he meant for evil and such attack on dear daughter’s identity now becomes an opportunity for you to tare down his strongholds over her mind, and release freedom over her to stop believing the lies he wanted her to identify as truth in the first place, using the attacker friend as a messenger to manifest untruth in her current reality about herself.

Let me explain. You can not protect baby girl from all the evil and mean girls in the world! You will never be able to no matter what her age is, but if you are a wise momma you can give her tools to rise above the gossip and the mean word curses by giving her a super natural weapons called discernment, truth, and love.

One day the Holy Spirit gave me discernment on just how to have this moment with my daughter. I spoke the words out of my mouth he was giving me, and even though she did not enjoy it, she was finally able to calm down and understand that out of love I was trying to guide her into walking in truth and love and not hate. (It was also a wonderful illustration that she would be able to remember and hold on to.) I am thankful that the father aided me in this situation. The Bible says all we have to do is ask for wisdom and he will give it to us. It is so important as a Mom to reach out to PaPa God and seek his guidance in all areas of raising babies in our motherhood! So just a side note-ask him for help when you don’t know what to say!

I quickly explained to her that we live in a SeedPlantHarvest Ecosystem.

I then further explained that because of this Ecosystem we reap what we sow.

Set a guard over my mouth, LORD; keep watch over the door of my lips. Psalms 141:3

I told her to imagine that she has this Fruit Garden that she toils. For each kind word she speaks over her friends at school, or enemies..she plants a seed that will grow the most beautiful apple trees. I explained that these were not just any kind of apples, but the Best tasting juiciest apples she has ever flopped her lips to. I then told her to imagine what a mean and ugly word would produce? Every thing spoken out of your mouth is ready to be set into motion, wether good or bad, for us or against us. Our words have POWER. God’s words have so much power he Spoke everything into being! Can you imagine what kind of fruit is going to grow from a ugly tree? She sat there and you could tell it was trying to sync in. But this stuff is hard to let become truth because the FLESH feeds off offense, jealousy and anger! It gets a power surge when it feels like after it has been offended it let out the harder blow. Placing it on top, feeling like a winner. How foolish though because in reality the only thing that we feed to make feel good was the flesh, and now that tree we just planted has some stinky nasty fruit about to grow. When you get a nasty stinky garden, people around you can see and smell the rotten fruit, and guess what? You are not appealing to someone they want to be a friend to!

I then told her to remember the girl that flung the mood is planting as well at the same moment. She has a garden too. If her actions and words are ugly and harsh to those around her, she will eventually start losing friends because of the not so attractive garden she is cultivating. She did strike first. She did initiate the war so to speak on words, but you don’t have to fall for the enemies trick to cause you to spoilup your beautiful garden. That ugly is all on them. Let her keep it, not share it and cause your Garden to be contaminated.

I know this is hard. We are not so great a mastering our tongues, but there is Grace for the times we mess up. Grace to realize our feelings got us out of control, repent- forgive and try again to make a better choice in the future. You have to be very disciplined to keep a watch over your mouth.We can also along with our daughters stretch and grow in this mouth area! I know it is hard but I do believe that if we teach them this at a super EARLY age, and we continue to model to them what is the best use of our words and time as we communicate with others, and them about their problems, we are building their endurance up to exercise those spiritual truths and spiritual disciplines.

Likewise, teach the older women to be reverent in the way they live, not to be slanderers or addicted to much wine, but to teach what is good….Titus 2:3

Ways to Grow Together not Gossip Together

  • Watch your own actions and words. She is watching you interact with your friends wether you notice her doing this or not. She is listening to how you react to harsh words spoken to you and what your responses are.
  • Be attentive and intentional– Listen to her side of the story. Let her know you care about her feelings being upset.
  • Be truth and Wisdom-Discern how the enemy has used this to attack her using her friend as the messenger. Then reveal truth in that discernment. Teaching our girls to look at the situation from a fresh perspective will help them to realize our emotions have a huge impact on what is actually fact or fiction.
  • Be the light in the Darkness– Pull out the GOLD and strengths inside of your daughter; pin point the insecurity and then build her up! Take the focus off the attacker and onto the deep seated root of her pain. Remind her that we have one enemy and he uses people to attack us.
  • Pray– Break that word curse off of her, ask the Holy Spirit to give her a chance to bless this person, and then pray for freedom to walk away. Teach her how to pray for those who hurt her. Ask that the father would open their eyes and remove the veil of darkness that is keeping them from seeing truth themselves. Also, pray for strength to remove herself from the situation and bite her tongue. Pray for discernment for your daughter so that when these word attacks come, she can see the enemy and his schemes or plan of attack. Pray spiritual armor over your daughter each day together. Teach her how to do this for herself as well.
  • Affirm to her the love you have for her, how special she is, and how much God loves her and desires her to walk each day out no matter what her age may be in freedom in him, and LOVE!

Father help us to steward motherhood rooted in your love and truth. I ask that you would give us spiritual discerning eyes to see the enemy and his attacks towards our children and their God given identity. Let us speak the words of love and truth over them and to them, and God please give them a heart to receive truth. Give our daughter spiritual antennas to realize that they wrestle not with girls at school, but with spiritual powers and principalities and darkness of this world, but greater is HE who lives in her than he who is ruler of this world. Give us strength to learn the lessons again that we have missed from our childhood. Let us be women who speak truth over our friends and enemies when people are looking and listening and not looking or listening. Help us to understand that our words have power to bless and to curse and help us to be disciplined in this area to have soft words like honey to put out the fires of the darts flown into our own camps! Thank you for your wisdom and revelation on this topic. I pray that the woman reading this would be blessed, strengthened, and encouraged in her role as Momma! In Jesus Name! Amen

Ash’Leigh Harris