It has come to my mind lately that I have trust issues. MAJOR trust issues, and what is worse is that they are with God.
It seems unusual to me that I can trust him completely with out one ounce of hesitation with my eternal salvation, but I can’t seem to trust him with the every day pop up drama’s in my life. Remember those pesky late 90s internet pop ups? 🙂 That is how I imagine drama bubbles must appear sneaking up at odd and unwarranted times in my ordinary day!
I am wrestling with God. I say that I trust God, and I try so very hard to let him be my BFF with life’s issues. I pray when I feel drama sneaking up, and I pray that he will put a watch over my mouth lest I sin against him, but the second one of my friends ask me how is it going…my tongue over takes my self control and all my words come spewing out, one ugly mess and now my secrets that were suppose to be Gods only, are now her ears entertainment. Why!!? WhY!?? It’s a tug of war with my heart. One moment I am giving him totally control, the next I am yanking it back as fast as I handed it over, with out one thought as to what I am doing.
I am wrestling with the devil. He knows my weaknesses and I have told him several times on several occasions he will not get the best of me! I have rebuked and yelled at him, all in Jesus name, only to fall flat on my face in anger and defeat. I know he is the liar in my ear, he is the smoke behind the curtains, disillusioning my eyes, my mind with his master manipulating schemes. It is an every day battle trying to cast down those lies and set my thoughts on things above. It is exhausting.
I wrestle with myself. I know that I am loved and given grace but when I mess up, I take it really personal. I know that my heart is better then the way I react. I know that even though I can be mean and ugly back, that is really not my character. I wrestle with forgiving myself for having to ask for forgiveness for not trusting God, not keeping our secrets just ours. I wrestle with not giving up, and not continuing to run my race set before me. I am not a quitter I tell myself, and God really knows my heart, what my real problem is, just give it to him I remind myself. He is always quick to forgive when I ask for forgiveness, and I am sure there will be another opportunity to try it the right way, next time drama hits my heart. I wrestle with doing what is right and doing what is wrong, knowing the difference and acting out in anger anyways. Sometimes I feel like less of a person for keeping quiet. I feel like people think I am a push over. It feels empowering in that moment when I am finally taking up for myself, but unfortunately that feeling dissipates too quickly, and then I worry they think I am one of those uncaring loud mouth women! Oh how I wrestle with myself!
So as I sit her tonight, my heart heavy with wrestling these scriptures lay heavy on my heart.
I wonder if there is anyone else out there who feels the same way I do, if so I hope you can decide to do what I am willing to do, and that is lay all my burdens, my energy in wrestling and fighting with God, the devil, and myself at the feet of Jesus and mediate on these two scriptures:
Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. Proverbs 3:5 (emphasis on TRUST)
But you will not even need to fight. Take you positions l then stand still and watch the Lord’s victory. He is with you, O people of Judah and Jerusalem. Do not be afraid or discouraged. Go out there tomorrow, for the Lord is with you! 2 Chronicles 20:17 (emphasis on STAND STILL, THE LORD IS WITH YOU)
May God’s Grace be upon you,