Wrestling with God, the devil, and Myself

It has come to my mind lately that I have trust issues. MAJOR trust issues, and what is worse is that they are with God.

It seems unusual to me that I can trust him completely with out one ounce of hesitation with my eternal salvation, but I can’t seem to trust him with the every day pop up drama’s in my life. Remember those pesky late 90s internet pop ups? 🙂 That is how I imagine drama bubbles must appear sneaking up at odd and unwarranted times in my ordinary day!

I am wrestling with God. I say that I trust God, and I try so very hard to let him be my BFF with life’s issues. I pray when I feel drama sneaking up, and I pray that he will put a watch over my mouth lest I sin against him, but the second one of my friends ask me how is it going…my tongue over takes my self control and all my words come spewing out, one ugly mess and now my secrets that were suppose to be Gods only, are now her ears entertainment. Why!!? WhY!?? It’s a tug of war with my heart. One moment I am giving him totally control, the next I am yanking it back as fast as I handed it over, with out one thought as to what I am doing.

I am wrestling with the devil. He knows my weaknesses and I have told him several times on several occasions he will not get the best of me! I have rebuked and yelled at him, all in Jesus name, only to fall flat on my face in anger and defeat. I know he is the liar in my ear, he is the smoke behind the curtains, disillusioning my eyes, my mind with his master manipulating schemes. It is an every day battle trying to cast down those lies and set my thoughts on things above. It is exhausting.

I wrestle with myself. I know that I am loved and given grace but when I mess up, I take it really personal. I know that my heart is better then the way I react. I know that even though I can be mean and ugly back, that is really not my character. I wrestle with forgiving myself for having to ask for forgiveness for not trusting God, not keeping our secrets just ours. I wrestle with not giving up, and not continuing to run my race set before me. I am not a quitter I tell myself, and God really knows my heart, what my real problem is, just give it to him I remind myself. He is always quick to forgive when I ask for forgiveness, and I am sure there will be another opportunity to try it the right way, next time drama hits my heart. I wrestle with doing what is right and doing what is wrong, knowing the difference and acting out in anger anyways. Sometimes I feel like less of a person for keeping quiet. I feel like people think I am a push over. It feels empowering in that moment when I am finally taking up for myself, but unfortunately that feeling dissipates too quickly, and then I worry they think I am one of those uncaring loud mouth women! Oh how I wrestle with myself!

So as I sit her tonight, my heart heavy with wrestling these scriptures lay heavy on my heart.

I wonder if there is anyone else out there who feels the same way I do, if so I hope you can decide to do what I am willing to do, and that is lay all my burdens, my energy in wrestling and fighting with God, the devil, and myself at the feet of Jesus and mediate on these two scriptures:

Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. Proverbs 3:5 (emphasis on TRUST)

and

But you will not even need to fight. Take you positions l then stand still and watch the Lord’s victory. He is with you, O people of Judah and Jerusalem. Do not be afraid or discouraged. Go out there tomorrow, for the Lord is with you! 2 Chronicles 20:17 (emphasis on STAND STILL, THE LORD IS WITH YOU)

May God’s Grace be upon you,

Leigh Leigh

Never again! Bad dreams and co-sleeping with your child! #momstruggle

My babies are older now. It’s been a good four year since we have had a little bitty baby in the house. Some days I miss that. Mine are 5 and 8 now.

Some nights I lay awake day dreaming about how I wish they were still little enough to snuggle with at night. Little warm and lavender smelling heaters to keep you warm and cozy all night. I would long for a night they would ask to sleep with us because they were afraid of a shadow on the wall of some sort.

It just doesn’t really happen here.

In those day dreams this is exactly what I had envisioned……

*image found at www.all-creatures.org
*image found at http://www.all-creatures.org

See isn’t this so sweet!!? Momma Cat is snuggling baby cat keeping her little safe and sound. Awe… No more bad dreams baby, Mommy is here!

Can I just interrupt this mushy moment with a little dose of reality!?

Well it finally happened last night! Our 5 year old daughter came bolting in our room tears and all with that sweet little innocent voice: “Daddy I want you!”

“Okay get in the middle of us!”

That warm sweet lavender scented soft baby has vanished leaving me with a sleepy, whiney, very boney, sweaty ball of a mess child! She didn’t smell so sweet, or lovely for that matter! More like Chicken Nuggets and Cheetos, laced with smelly feet!

I can’t recall much but if I could paint you a picture I am pretty sure my night looked a lot like these pictures to follow..

*image found at www.cuteaholic.com
*image found at http://www.cuteaholic.com

We started the night out in my favorite sleeping position. Momma on her back! Now imagine a life size 5 year old on my tummy, and I am not quiet that wide! 🙂

That position left me winded and uncomfortable so I rolled over onto my side. This is where her sweaty hair was suffocating me!

*image found on www.galleryhip.com
*image found on http://www.galleryhip.com

I manage to push her off my face and try this half side, half stomach position.

*imagine found at www.3b.bp.blogspot.com
*imagine found at http://www.3b.bp.blogspot.com

I suspect we got away with this co-sleeping position for a good portion of the night. Well, until my shoulder started to hurt and my side began to ache!

I decided it was time to give the whole tummy position a run for it’s money! After all it’s probably close to 2 in the morning and I am beginning to feel severely UNCOMFORTABLE!

*image found at www.commons.wikimedia.org
*image found at http://www.commons.wikimedia.org

Oh brother.. I am going Apes, Bananas!!

Why can’t she roll over and sleep next to her DADDY!? It was HE WHO LET THE LITTLE DARLING INTO OUR BED! Why ME, Why ME!? Why am I the only one being pressed down on, kicked, slapped, elbowed, kneed, sweated, and slobbered on!!!!??

She is Child by day, Ninja Warrior by night!

image found on yahooimages
image found on http://www.fanpop.com

HELP! I can’t even breath at this point!

*imagine found at 3.bp.blogspot.com
*imagine found at 3.bp.blogspot.com

And She has the nerve to wake up looking like this!

“Good Morning Momma!”

www.thewowimages.com
http://www.thewowimages.com

I am all like, “Good morning Kenna!”

image found at www.doberdan.com
image found at http://www.doberdan.com

My body feels like I just fought off a bull in my sleep all night!

Dodge this leg, dodge that elbow
Dodge this leg, dodge that elbow
Spanish bull fighter Jose Tomas
Spanish bull fighter Jose Tomas

NEVER AGAIN! NEVER!!!!! My back hurts, my arms hurt, my neck is stiff, I am sore all over!

So thank you DADDY and thank you POPPA for letting her watch that Scary Movie. I think if she comes back again, I am moving to the couch!

🙂 The countless joys of Motherhood!

Here is an actually picture of proof just how crazy our night was last night!!!

goodmorning

Smile,

Leigh Leigh

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9 Things Learned from a cRAZy Busy Month #motherhoodstruggles FUNNY

To make light of the Chaotic Month of October here is an insert straight from my *TOP SECRET* Journal!

9 Things I learned from what seemed like the craziest month of my LIFE!

#1 When your memory fails you, there are emails, text messages, and social media posts to retain every moment of our life! (Maybe it’s not so bad for you after all to be an addict!??)

i-love-social-media

#2 When given any opportunity to sit still long enough, or lie horizontal you will fall asleep on accident and maybe even snore or drool because your body is so sleep deprived from going non stop!

atomic_betty_s_mom__sleep_time_by_voyagerhawk87-d6tnnvk

#3 “Mommy Time Outs” are FOR REAL and when used in moderation (10-20 minuets after you come home from work, or just anytime in your day) will SAVE your afternoon and your SANITY!

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#4 Gym stretchy leggings will become apart of your daily casual wear and you can be okay with this! Why? Well all the hours of cardio and weight lifting are sculpting some nice legs!

(sorry no selfie..will work on this though!) 😉

#5  If you ditch your make up, made up hair style, and decide to skip the contacts and wear your glasses all day including public outings, your kids will question if you are okay! (My son was very puzzled when I picked him up from school after work looking like a scrub! “Mom are you okay?”) LOL

photo 2 (29)

#6 PB&J on a tortilla is a wonderful back up sandwich when you run out of bread on a Thursday morning.

#lunchtimestruggles

#7 There are still NO EXCUSES for MISSING morning runs! These make you feel better!

photo 1 (33)

#8 If you feed your kids cereal for DINNER (because it’s 30 minuets past their bed time due to a football game) they will announce to the world, shout it off the roof tops that you ARE “THE BEST MOM EVER!!” (I have waited my whole life for that moment-thank you cereal!) 😉

worlds-worst-mom-ggl

#9 If you have to skip out on laundry and cleaning up your chaotic dirty house, the mess will not disappear or disown you, it will be waiting patiently for your attention multiplying by the seconds!

mostmemorableybl

 

WOW I feel so much more knowledged! I’m SO happy and thrilled I had to endure craziness to learn such fascinating things! 🙂

 

GO Busy Mommas ALL OVER THE WORLD!!

WE ROCK!

Leigh Leigh

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