Wrestling with God, the devil, and Myself

It has come to my mind lately that I have trust issues. MAJOR trust issues, and what is worse is that they are with God.

It seems unusual to me that I can trust him completely with out one ounce of hesitation with my eternal salvation, but I can’t seem to trust him with the every day pop up drama’s in my life. Remember those pesky late 90s internet pop ups? 🙂 That is how I imagine drama bubbles must appear sneaking up at odd and unwarranted times in my ordinary day!

I am wrestling with God. I say that I trust God, and I try so very hard to let him be my BFF with life’s issues. I pray when I feel drama sneaking up, and I pray that he will put a watch over my mouth lest I sin against him, but the second one of my friends ask me how is it going…my tongue over takes my self control and all my words come spewing out, one ugly mess and now my secrets that were suppose to be Gods only, are now her ears entertainment. Why!!? WhY!?? It’s a tug of war with my heart. One moment I am giving him totally control, the next I am yanking it back as fast as I handed it over, with out one thought as to what I am doing.

I am wrestling with the devil. He knows my weaknesses and I have told him several times on several occasions he will not get the best of me! I have rebuked and yelled at him, all in Jesus name, only to fall flat on my face in anger and defeat. I know he is the liar in my ear, he is the smoke behind the curtains, disillusioning my eyes, my mind with his master manipulating schemes. It is an every day battle trying to cast down those lies and set my thoughts on things above. It is exhausting.

I wrestle with myself. I know that I am loved and given grace but when I mess up, I take it really personal. I know that my heart is better then the way I react. I know that even though I can be mean and ugly back, that is really not my character. I wrestle with forgiving myself for having to ask for forgiveness for not trusting God, not keeping our secrets just ours. I wrestle with not giving up, and not continuing to run my race set before me. I am not a quitter I tell myself, and God really knows my heart, what my real problem is, just give it to him I remind myself. He is always quick to forgive when I ask for forgiveness, and I am sure there will be another opportunity to try it the right way, next time drama hits my heart. I wrestle with doing what is right and doing what is wrong, knowing the difference and acting out in anger anyways. Sometimes I feel like less of a person for keeping quiet. I feel like people think I am a push over. It feels empowering in that moment when I am finally taking up for myself, but unfortunately that feeling dissipates too quickly, and then I worry they think I am one of those uncaring loud mouth women! Oh how I wrestle with myself!

So as I sit her tonight, my heart heavy with wrestling these scriptures lay heavy on my heart.

I wonder if there is anyone else out there who feels the same way I do, if so I hope you can decide to do what I am willing to do, and that is lay all my burdens, my energy in wrestling and fighting with God, the devil, and myself at the feet of Jesus and mediate on these two scriptures:

Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. Proverbs 3:5 (emphasis on TRUST)

and

But you will not even need to fight. Take you positions l then stand still and watch the Lord’s victory. He is with you, O people of Judah and Jerusalem. Do not be afraid or discouraged. Go out there tomorrow, for the Lord is with you! 2 Chronicles 20:17 (emphasis on STAND STILL, THE LORD IS WITH YOU)

May God’s Grace be upon you,

Leigh Leigh

Secret way to Release Unforgiveness

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“Unforgiveness is like drinking poison and hoping the other person dies.” Margaret Stunt

If you are breathing, there is someone you have encountered in your life that has offended you. Forgiveness is one of most powerful weapons I believe Jesus gave us. Ephesians 4:32 tells us to be kind to each other, forgiving one another, just as God through Christ has forgiven us. Jesus tells us in Matthew 6:14 “If you forgive those who sin against you, your heavenly Father will forgive you.”

If you are breathing, there is someone you have encountered in your life that you have offended. We need people to forgive us just as much as we need to forgive them.

Unforgivness harbors ANGER, BITTERNESS, HATE,  and RESENTMENT. These are very dangerous to our hearts as they produce unrighteousness. James 1:20 tells us that Human anger does not produce the righteousness God desires. It will fester in your heart. It will become this ugly monster and the more you replay the offense over and over in your mind, the bigger the monster grows. It continues to grow until it consumes you! It consumes your thoughts, your actions, your conversations, and it steals you happiness and joy! Unforgivness really is poison!

God promises that if we will just trust him, he will avenge his children. Romans 12:19 “Dearly beloved, avenge not yourselves, but rather give place unto wrath; for it is written, Vengeance is mine; I will repay, saith the Lord.” I know this is easier to be said then done. I know we want instant gratification to our flesh. We want them to feel as horrible as we do in the instance the offense is made against us.

Unforgivness is a THIEF! IT steals from you!

So today I would like to share with you a little secret of mine! It’s my secret way I release unforgivness to offenses made against me. I am a tangible type of girl. I like to touch and feel things. When you think about anger you may think violence. I like to release my emotions in motion for the most part. ( Best stress release is running and working out!) That is just what “feels” good to me. So when I discovered I could make my offenses tangible and them tear them apart to shreds, it turned my intangible hurts into tangible things! Stay with me now, as I try to explain this.

It is not all about just tearing paper apart it is about seeking the Lord in prayer first!

It is about freeing myself from anger and putting into action my faith that Jesus will take care of me. With every tear, I am experessing my trust and obedience to him. He is a healer. He knows us better than we even know our ownself and he hurts when we are hurting. If you have a hard time believing this and you are a parent, then just think about how you feel when someone messes with your child? Does the word Anger strike a chord? We are God’s children, he cares about what people do to us. He promises to take care of them one way or the other in his time. He knowing all, knows the best way to handle them as well! When we act out in anger we end up just getting into trouble. We pay evil for evil and nothing good ever comes out of the situation.

HOW TO RELEASE UNFORGIVENESS (pursuing peace)

#1 Go to the Lord in Prayer. Be honest with him. Let him know you are very hurt but you don’t want to stay that way. Ask him to heal your brokenness. Ask him to have the ability to forgive like he forgives and love like he loves. If you are a child of God, you have this ability in you, through the Holy Spirit that is living inside of you.

#2 Write the offense (offenses) down on paper.

outofheart

#3 Say out loud (The offender’s name) I forgive you for (what you wrote down on the paper).

#4 TEAR up the paper and let the anger, resentment, and hurt go……yup….drop it, and release its poison from your heart.

tearit up

#5 Throw your pieces in the trash, and forget about it.

#6 If you really, really, really want to make the DEVIL mad for trying to trip you up on that unforgivness poison, then go out and bless that offender some how! (mind blown)

OVER COME EVIL WITH GOOD! Romans 12:21

When the devil tries to bring back up the offense, and it tries to sneak back into your heart, make sure that you remind yourself that you have already burned that bridge, and pray for strength to not fall back into temptation of unforgiveness.

To be honest there may be times where you are having to do this regularly with a particular individual in your life. Just know that your diligence to keep strife out of your life and peace in your heart will not go unrewarded. Pray for this person. Pray for peace in that relationship. Sometimes we just have to move on and not allow ourselves to continue to be in their line of fire of offenses. If it becomes habitual you may just have to tell yourself that the problem is deep-rooted in them, so stop taking it personal! When we give our hurts over to God and let him heal us and take care of the offender for us, we can have peace and it keeps us from getting ourselves in trouble, which breads self-guilt and self-condemnation.

Maybe today you just need to forgive yourself? You hold the power to what takes roots in your own heart. Guilt and condemnation only make us weak and bring us into more sin

Remember 1 Peter 3:11 STOP THE CYCLE TODAY of STRIFE and PURSUE PEACE!

Love yourself enough to stop taking the toxic unforgiveness poison!

A great book to read on forgiveness is Joyce Meyer’s book Do Yourself a Favor …. Forgive! It’s on Ibooks and Amazon. My computer is not allowing me to copy and paste the link. I will try and plus this up later.

XOXO

Leigh Leigh

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