I am in the middle.
In the thick of it.
The chaos is swirling from every direction, and my mind is constantly trying to process the ebbs and flows of the punches life keeps throwing.
I started this blog from the perspective of learning how to stay steady in yourself while life remains unresolved…
and here I am.
Still learning.
Still becoming.
I have found myself this year in a constant battle—not of fixing everything around me—but of not losing myself while everything around me feels unstable.
Anger. Confusion. Resentment. A deep sense of unfairness.
It all stacks up.
It becomes heavy.
Unsettling.
And unlike anything I can simply “step away from.”
There is no escape plan for this kind of storm.
No shelter to hide in.
No boat to ride it out safely in the distance.
It is just me.
Facing me.
Learning me.
Trying to cope with things that feel unresolved and without clear reconciliation.
Relationships are hard.
Especially in dysfunctional family dynamics.
It often feels like no one gets what they want while continuing to repeat the same cycles over and over again.
But I have become aware.
Aware of the patterns.
Aware of the cycles.
Aware that I actually have the power to step out of the constant rotation I’ve found myself in.
But awareness is not simple.
Awareness brings clarity—but it can also bring fear.
And fear, if we are not careful, can begin to change us.
It can make us emotionally numb. Bitter. Angry. Detached.
It can slowly reshape our inner character.
Because the human body wants to protect itself from pain.
And sometimes, in trying to avoid our own pain… we end up passing pain onto others.
And I don’t want to become that person.
The one who was hurt and then hurts others.
I have spent my whole life fighting not to become that version of myself.
But I would be lying if I said there aren’t moments lately…
where the temptation to become cold just to survive feels easier.
Where becoming the “villain” in someone else’s story feels like a form of protection.
Because when you have been pushed aside for a long time…
unseen…
unheard…
unappreciated…
it wears you down.
So I sit.
I write.
I think.
I try to make sense of what is swirling inside of me.
And I gently ask myself:
Who do you want to be when this storm passes?
Because even if it takes years…
it will pass.
Do I want to become jaded?
Cynical?
Bitter?
Closed off?
Emotionally disconnected?
Or do I want to stay soft in places where life is trying to harden me?
I have learned that suppressing my emotions for too long has taken a toll on me—not just emotionally, but physically as well.
So I am learning to be present in my body.
To sit with what I feel instead of burying it.
And today, when I try to push it all aside, I ask myself:
Will I let circumstance and injustice change who I am at my core?
Will I let it dim my light?
Will I let it taint the way I love?
“To thine own self be true.”
It is a phrase I keep tucked in my heart on days like this.
And I can’t help but also hear the words of Jesus whispering in my spirit:
“The truth shall set you free.”
I want freedom from this storm.
I want forgiveness in my heart.
I want truth.
I want reconciliation.
I want clarity.
And I believe that if certain truths were exposed, it would bring freedom.
But sometimes… that exposure doesn’t come when we want it to.
And maybe that is where the deeper work is done.
Maybe the only way through the waiting is not losing ourselves in the process.
Maybe the path forward is staying anchored in who we truly are.
Anchored in truth.
Anchored in love.
Anchored in God.
Because I do believe there is a line we all walk.
A dangerous one I am learning to recognize:
The line between peace and control.
Because it is easy to manipulate situations in the name of peace.
To perform love.
To keep things calm on the surface while suppressing what is real underneath.
But that kind of peace is fragile.
It doesn’t last.
It breaks when life shifts again.
So instead, I am learning this:
Do not build peace on control.
Do not build love on performance.
Do not build healing on suppression.
Stay anchored.
Stay rooted.
Stay true.
Even when nothing around you feels resolved.
Steady.
Present.
Trusting God in the middle.
If you’re in a season that feels unresolved, heavy, or emotionally loud… I want you to know you’re not alone in it.
Have you ever found yourself trying to stay true to who you are while everything around you feels like it’s shifting?
I’d love to hear from you.
Leigh Leigh Speaks 