Tag: love

In the Middle of the Storm: Learning Who I Am While Life Is Unresolved

I am in the middle.

In the thick of it.

The chaos is swirling from every direction, and my mind is constantly trying to process the ebbs and flows of the punches life keeps throwing.

I started this blog from the perspective of learning how to stay steady in yourself while life remains unresolved…

and here I am.

Still learning.

Still becoming.

I have found myself this year in a constant battle—not of fixing everything around me—but of not losing myself while everything around me feels unstable.

Anger. Confusion. Resentment. A deep sense of unfairness.

It all stacks up.

It becomes heavy.

Unsettling.

And unlike anything I can simply “step away from.”

There is no escape plan for this kind of storm.

No shelter to hide in.

No boat to ride it out safely in the distance.

It is just me.

Facing me.

Learning me.

Trying to cope with things that feel unresolved and without clear reconciliation.

Relationships are hard.

Especially in dysfunctional family dynamics.

It often feels like no one gets what they want while continuing to repeat the same cycles over and over again.

But I have become aware.

Aware of the patterns.
Aware of the cycles.
Aware that I actually have the power to step out of the constant rotation I’ve found myself in.

But awareness is not simple.

Awareness brings clarity—but it can also bring fear.

And fear, if we are not careful, can begin to change us.

It can make us emotionally numb. Bitter. Angry. Detached.

It can slowly reshape our inner character.

Because the human body wants to protect itself from pain.

And sometimes, in trying to avoid our own pain… we end up passing pain onto others.

And I don’t want to become that person.

The one who was hurt and then hurts others.

I have spent my whole life fighting not to become that version of myself.

But I would be lying if I said there aren’t moments lately…

where the temptation to become cold just to survive feels easier.

Where becoming the “villain” in someone else’s story feels like a form of protection.

Because when you have been pushed aside for a long time…

unseen…
unheard…
unappreciated…

it wears you down.

So I sit.

I write.

I think.

I try to make sense of what is swirling inside of me.

And I gently ask myself:

Who do you want to be when this storm passes?

Because even if it takes years…

it will pass.

Do I want to become jaded?

Cynical?

Bitter?

Closed off?

Emotionally disconnected?

Or do I want to stay soft in places where life is trying to harden me?

I have learned that suppressing my emotions for too long has taken a toll on me—not just emotionally, but physically as well.

So I am learning to be present in my body.

To sit with what I feel instead of burying it.

And today, when I try to push it all aside, I ask myself:

Will I let circumstance and injustice change who I am at my core?

Will I let it dim my light?

Will I let it taint the way I love?

“To thine own self be true.”

It is a phrase I keep tucked in my heart on days like this.

And I can’t help but also hear the words of Jesus whispering in my spirit:

“The truth shall set you free.”

I want freedom from this storm.

I want forgiveness in my heart.

I want truth.

I want reconciliation.

I want clarity.

And I believe that if certain truths were exposed, it would bring freedom.

But sometimes… that exposure doesn’t come when we want it to.

And maybe that is where the deeper work is done.

Maybe the only way through the waiting is not losing ourselves in the process.

Maybe the path forward is staying anchored in who we truly are.

Anchored in truth.

Anchored in love.

Anchored in God.

Because I do believe there is a line we all walk.

A dangerous one I am learning to recognize:

The line between peace and control.

Because it is easy to manipulate situations in the name of peace.

To perform love.

To keep things calm on the surface while suppressing what is real underneath.

But that kind of peace is fragile.

It doesn’t last.

It breaks when life shifts again.

So instead, I am learning this:

Do not build peace on control.
Do not build love on performance.
Do not build healing on suppression.

Stay anchored.

Stay rooted.

Stay true.

Even when nothing around you feels resolved.

Steady.
Present.
Trusting God in the middle.

If you’re in a season that feels unresolved, heavy, or emotionally loud… I want you to know you’re not alone in it.

Have you ever found yourself trying to stay true to who you are while everything around you feels like it’s shifting?

I’d love to hear from you.

When Showing Up Is Enough

Everything feels like an annoyance when you finally start seeing things for what they really are.

I woke up to my alarm blaring—dry mouth, already cranky, and not in the mood to rush. It was the third Saturday in a row I had to get up and immediately meet the demands of plans that needed my attention.

And I could already feel it…
that low hum of anxiety starting to build.

I had less than one hour.

Less than one hour to get myself and my foster daughter fed, dressed, and across town to a classmate’s birthday party.

And my mind? It was off and running.

Will I know any of the moms there?
Are they all going to be younger than me?
Why am I 40 going to a 7-year-old’s birthday party?

I’ve always been the girl who connects with older women, so the thought of being surrounded by younger moms made me feel uncomfortable.

It’s funny how fast our minds can spiral.

There I was, standing in the mirror, plucking chin hairs, laughing to myself about how I used to take for granted the days when I didn’t have to think about any of this before leaving the house.

And then the chaos hit.

As I’m putting on moisturizer, it hits me—
I didn’t give her a bath the night before.

And she definitely needed one.

We had 20 minutes.

I ran upstairs, turned on the shower, and told her to hop in.

“Wash up, hurry, get dressed, brush your teeth!”

As I’m flying back downstairs, I realize…

I didn’t wrap the gift.

Of course I didn’t.

Now we’re down to 10 minutes.

I rush to my room, throwing together tissue paper and grabbing a random card I had laying around—trying to make it look somewhat intentional.

Meanwhile, she comes downstairs looking adorable and completely ready.

I hand her a protein bar just to get something in her stomach, throw on my shoes, kiss my husband goodbye, and we’re out the door.

But even as we’re driving…

I can feel it.

That heavy, critical voice in my head.

What is wrong with you?
You’re not this kind of woman.
You didn’t used to be this last-minute, thrown-together person.

And the truth is…
I’ve always struggled with that inner critic.

I’ve held myself to high standards for as long as I can remember.
Always trying to do everything the “right” way.
The best way.

But lately?

That energy has felt like it’s slowly leaking out of me…
like air slipping out of a balloon.

I’ve been a mom for 21 years.

And I love it.
I love nurturing, caring, showing up.

But recently, something has shifted.

The enthusiasm hasn’t been as loud.
The excitement hasn’t been as natural.

And instead of giving myself space for that…

I’ve been questioning myself.

What’s wrong with you?
Who even are you right now?

So instead of pushing it down, I decided to sit with it.

To really look at what was happening.

And then I saw her.

At the party.

Laughing. Playing. Having the best time.

Completely unaware of the chaos we came from.

She didn’t know she skipped a bath the night before.
She didn’t know I wrapped the gift minutes before leaving.
She didn’t see my stress, my rushing, or my self-doubt.

She didn’t see any of my “shortcomings.”

She just experienced the moment.

Joyfully.
Fully.

And it hit me.

Why do I let my perceived flaws take up so much space in my mind…
when the people I love don’t even see them?

From her perspective, we showed up.

Seamlessly.

On the way home, she looked at me and said,

“You’re the best momma.”

And that stopped me.

Because the truth is…
this was her first time ever going to a classmate’s birthday party.

Before coming into my home, she had never experienced that.

And I almost let my internal chaos overshadow what actually mattered.

I did it.

Even with the rushing.
Even with the bad attitude.
Even with the “just get through it” energy.

I showed up.

And we had a beautiful time.

Maybe it doesn’t have to be perfect to matter.

Maybe we don’t have to go above and beyond every single time.

Maybe sometimes…

showing up is enough.

I know I’ve had a heavy, emotionally demanding month.
I know I struggle with people-pleasing and wanting to be “enough.”

And I also know…

Sometimes I’m going to feel tired.
Sometimes I’m going to feel off.
Sometimes I’m going to show up a little less polished than I’d like.

But I’m still here.

Still loving.
Still trying.
Still showing up.

So I’m learning to let go of the constant:

analyzing
criticizing
judging myself harshly

And instead, I’m choosing to recognize this:

I can handle more than I think.

Even on the messy days.

Because sometimes…

all it really takes is showing up, a little caffeine…

and 30 minutes.

Have you ever had a moment where everything felt chaotic, but it still turned out okay? I’d love to hear your story. 🤍

Leigh Leigh

Why I started This Space (Held in the Middle)

There’s a place I keep finding myself in lately.

Not at the beginning of things.

Not at the end.

But in the middle.

The part where things are still unfolding.

Still unclear.

Still becoming.

For a long time, I didn’t know what to do with that space.

I thought the goal was always to move through it as quickly as possible. To fix it, understand it, improve it, and move on so I could feel steady again.

That was my pattern in almost everything.

If something felt off, I would try to correct it.

If I felt overwhelmed, I would try to manage it.

If I didn’t understand something, I would try to figure it out as quickly as possible.

I thought that’s how you create peace.

But over time, I started noticing something I couldn’t ignore anymore.

I wasn’t becoming more peaceful.

I was becoming more tired.

What I didn’t see at first

I used to believe peace came after resolution.

After I got it right.

After I figured it out.

After I improved it enough.

So I lived in a constant cycle of noticing discomfort and trying to fix it.

Even internally.

But the more I did that, the more disconnected I felt from myself.

I wasn’t actually staying with what I was feeling.

I was always moving away from it in order to fix it.

And that came at a cost.

What I’m learning now

I’m learning something that feels simple, but has changed how I move through my life.

Not everything is meant to be fixed immediately.

Not every feeling is a problem.

Not every moment of discomfort means something is wrong.

Sometimes it’s just life happening in real time.

And I don’t have to rush out of it to be okay.

I can stay.

Why “Held in the Middle”

This space is called Held in the Middle because that’s where I’ve been learning to live again.

In the middle of becoming and not yet being there.

In the middle of clarity and uncertainty.

In the middle of peace and discomfort.

In the middle of faith and unanswered questions.

Not at the extremes.

Not at arrival points.

But in the process.

And what I’m starting to understand is this:

Being in the middle doesn’t mean something is wrong.

It just means life is still unfolding.

What this space will be

This isn’t a place where I have everything figured out.

It’s a place where I’m learning to:

stop turning every discomfort into something I need to fix

stay present instead of constantly managing myself

listen to my body instead of overriding it

build a kind of peace that doesn’t depend on control

live my faith in the middle, not just after things are resolved

This space is less about answers, and more about awareness.

Less about fixing life, and more about staying with it.

If you’re here

You might be in your own middle too.

In a season where things feel unfinished.

Where you’re still becoming who you are.

Where you’re learning that peace might not come from fixing everything, but from learning how to stay even when things aren’t resolved.

If that’s you, you’re not alone here.

I’m still learning this too.

And this is where I’m writing from now.

To read the beginning of this series click here!

Leigh Leigh

My Journey: From Logic’s Grip to Faith’s Freedom

For the past year and a half, I’ve been on a profound spiritual journey with the Lord. I’ve granted myself grace to let it unfold naturally—a process that involved plenty of trial and error. Flipping through my journal now, I see the raw struggles: the internal wrestling between logic and faith that kept me up at night. Logic craves explanations, demands answers to every “why.” Faith, though? It trusts. It hopes and believes, even without seeing the evidence.

This clash traces back to childhood. To cope with daily trauma behind our home’s closed doors, I leaned hard on the logical side of my brain. Secrets no child should endure forced me to mask my emotions, burying them so deep I couldn’t even access them for guidance later in life. Making sense of the chaos meant analyzing it logically: understand the “whys,” hide the pain, and pretend it away. I’m sharing this to explain why a logical lens has dominated my mindset—and maybe yours too. Perhaps you’ve never realized how this analytical filter shapes (or limits) how you see the world.

The dam broke on a sweltering Texas summer day. I was driving home, trailing my husband on his newly tuned Harley, the air thick with heat. Leading up to it, I’d been devouring faith-based podcasts, grappling with my identity, coping mechanisms, and survival strategies—all built on logic. I’d just ended a call with an Alongside Nurse prepping me for my first dose of DMT (a treatment I’d sworn off but finally accepted to fight the autoimmune disease diagnosed three years earlier). My husband’s gentle words still echo: “I think you should try the meds. Your body could use the extra help right now.”

In that moment, I realized I couldn’t do it all alone—no matter how stubborn I was. It’s okay to ask for help when you need it (and honesty check: we always do at some point). But back to the call—I was wrecked. Disappointed in “bowing down” to medication after vowing natural healing only. Why now? Why this chronic illness? God! Hot tears streamed as frustration boiled over. Finally, I confessed what I’d buried: “I don’t trust you, God!”

There it was—raw honesty. Now He could work. The Holy Spirit began uprooting that deep lie of distrust. My wrestling softened from a grip to horseplay. “But I want to trust You,” I whispered. And so it began: little by little, I let go of logic as my idol, my false truth, my substitute god. “Okay, I’m ready. Let’s do this.”

I’d love to say transformation hit by fall—haha, nope. Emotional turmoil lingered, but I pressed on. I surrendered running life on my terms, ditching logic’s dictation for grace-fueled living. One day, one moment at a time. I dropped what I’d clung to: setting tough boundaries with loved ones, even stepping away from two ministries I’d poured myself into. In hindsight, I was shedding hides and retreating to a cave for healing. Weeks blurred into months—a full season. Just over a year since that confession, I’m still releasing logic for faith: trusting He holds the answers, freeing me from masking my true self.

In this season, it means slowing down, hushing external noise. Chasing logical “evidence” exhausts you—bombarding your mind with facts, or burying issues in busyness to avoid facing them. I promised myself grace to just be. No fixing flaws I hated, no overanalyzing. Live present: this moment, then the next. Until distractions crept in—meh, work in progress, right?

This summer brought the freedom I’d craved. I stopped self-demands, ditched expectations, quit performing for validation. My husband’s extended leave (a blessing from his company’s foster care support) catalyzed it all. We manage our foster child together, and his 12 weeks off felt like a gift.

Imagine life on a rigid routine, where alone time was your only relief to logically dissect shortcomings. Imagine believing unmet goals meant total failure—a downward spiral. Interruptions used to crush me: restart, do better, be better. Yada yada.

But after his first four weeks off—leaving me 5 pounds heavier, out of shape, house chaotic—I shifted. The next chunk? Pure enjoyment. I told the devil to shut up, kicked back, and savored lunches out, DQ Blizzards (worth every calorie!). No fear of his return or mental chaos.

Slowing down with him was a soul vacation. How to carry it forward? By releasing body image obsessions and cardio guilt, I stopped fixating. Truth hit: All we have is now. Yesterday’s gone; tomorrow’s not promised. Why obsess over future shame or past regrets? What’s the point?

Slowing down isn’t stagnation—it’s beholding the moment, making it count. We’re passengers in these earthly bodies. Why rush monumental tasks? Logic bosses us, craving control. Faith invites imagination, carefree presence.

Choosing Faith Today: Your Turn

I’ve decided: Let logic go. Manage time and energy by faith—it creates space to slow down.

How about you? Live the rest of today trusting God’s goodness and love. He values you without checklists or performance. He’s after the love He’s placed in you—steward that well.

What’s one way you can release control today? Share in the comments—I’d love to hear your story.

Much love,

Leigh Leigh

Jesus’s Luxurious Love

The older I get the more I understand and can appreciate the word Luxurious.

When we are younger we don’t pay much attention to the details. Whatever makes us happy or feels good, out of ignorance and youth we indulge, and we are just fine. As we age we gladly exchange comfort for the extra cash. Honestly 20 year old me would have been ecstatic to book a hotel that had a swimming pool. Mid 30’s me is all about that Jucuzzi bath tub and KING SIZE bed. Oh, and you better believe I am reading the reviews to see if this place is COMFORTABLE and CLEAN!

Luxurious to us is heated and cooled seats, extra fur in those house slippers, a silk robe, a big comfy couch we can melt into, or maybe even upgrading to the next package weather it be a spa day, bedroom suit, car, etc. In a nut shell when I hear luxurious I know it is the top of the line, maxed out, all bells and whistles, and I will benefit the comfort and enjoyment it brings to me.

I was reading Psalms 23 today out of the Passion Translation and what really caught my eye was the word luxurious attached to the Lord’s love. The scripture actually reads:

2 He offers a resting place for me in his luxurious love. His tracks take me to an oasis of peace, the quit brook of bliss. 3 That’s where he restores and revives my life.

I stopped and closed my eyes for a moment. I imagined being in a true place of rest. A true surrender to my savior who offers me and welcomes me in to his luxurious love. I imagined the whole room was softly light, the smells were only the finest aromas of luscious flowers, the room had a huge couch that was covered in red silk. Honestly my mind can’t really perceive just how amazing this place was. Classy, fine, sophisticated, and a safe place created just for me. A room with all the upgrades; the bells, the whistle, and Jesus himself giving me his full attention as I just rested beside him.

That is our Jesus. He is so loving, so kind, and so luxurious. I imagine he has BIG swagger, and all the mansions he is building for us up in heaven makes the worlds most expensive luxurious mansion look like a Polly pocket home in comparison. I imagine there are technologies, fabrics, and “comforts” we have never seen, heard, or felt.

His love is so rich the closest word we can get to in our human dictionary is luxurious. His love is so soft, so enjoyable, so comfortable, so peaceful, so valuable, so powerful.

So, the next time your sister or your friend says you need to go rest, remember what opportunity is being presented to yourself. Really rest in his goodness. Rest in his love for you!

He is waiting to restore your soul in his luxurious love!

What are you waiting for?

Loving the Hard People

Loving those who don’t love us back, is difficult.

The Holy Spirit told me every time you love in a place of hurt and rejection a seed is planted. This seed goes deep into rich soil. The seed starts to germinate out of unselfishness and creates a spectacular botanical garden that begins to expand and flourish.

Those tears that whelp and fall, those tears that scream and cry, “ God help me this hurts and I don’t want to,” those tears of sacrifice water these seeds. These seeds can not be stolen from the enemy because these seeds are watered by obedience, sacrifice, and God’s love and grace for that particular person.

Out of this growth are the most stunning and breath taking flowers which produce the warmest, richest aromas that flow out of our hearts. He explained to me that this garden is his. He put it in each of us. This garden was not man made but God made. It’s a love garden he loves to be in because it’s pure, it’s lovely, and because those flowers and all their beauty were conceived by our obedience, faith, and trust in Him.

We must seek to understand these heart gardens are real and live inside each of us. We can plant anger, jealousy,  bitterness, and out of it gross death, decay, and stinky stench.

This illustration helps me to understand that sacrifice doesn’t just die, it only lives.

Doing what is right will always birth love, kindness, goodness that creates a lasting ripple effect that ripples into our live, and the lives of others continually.

Doing what is wrong conceives death and destruction, this too having a rippling effect that lasts continuously which impacts us and those around us negatively.

So even when when we don’t feel like doing what is right, if we are wise, we will do what is right because each choice we make will have a ripple effect that will produce the power to love and forgive and move on, or stay in bondage to unforgiveness and strife with those around us.

The Good Shepherd

 

Psalm 23 TPT

David’s poetic praise to God[a]
1 The Lord is my best friend and my shepherd.[b]
I always have more than enough.
2 He offers a resting place for me in his luxurious love.[c]
His tracks take me to an oasis of peace, the quiet brook of bliss.[d]
3 That’s where he restores and revives my life.[e]
He opens before me pathways to God’s pleasure
and leads me along in his footsteps of righteousness[f]
so that I can bring honor to his name.
4 Lord, even when your path takes me through
the valley of deepest darkness,
fear will never conquer me, for you already have!
You remain close to me and lead me through it all the way.
Your authority is my strength and my peace.[g]
The comfort of your love takes away my fear.
I’ll never be lonely, for you are near.
5 You become my delicious feast
even when my enemies dare to fight.
You anoint me with the fragrance of your Holy Spirit;[h]
you give me all I can drink of you until my heart overflows.
6 So why would I fear the future?
For your goodness and love pursue me all the days of my life.
Then afterward, when my life is through,
I’ll return to your glorious presence to be forever with you!

 

This Psalm resonates peace in my spirit in a time of uncertainty. Jesus our Good Shepherd, our Friend. Why Should I fear the Future? For His goodness and love pursues me all the days of my life. ALL the days of my life! Amen!

Habits for 2019 and beyond

10:44am Friday, January 4th

(Note to self -this is for me)

God is so awesome that he made my jaw drop when I read the first line of my devotion for today!

Let me back up. Every new year I obsess over becoming better then I was the year before. Weather it be more healthier, more intuned with the Holy Spirit, better wife, better mom, better daughter, the list goes on. So it was only natural for me to start figuring out what I would work on for 2019 and habits seemed to surface my mind. Apparently we as humans are habitual creatures who do most of life on habits we have unknowingly created weather good or bad. I was asking my husband if he had finished his habits book at work because I remember him sharing some of the things he was learning from it a few months ago.

Last night I was asking him more questions about it and he was quite taking by my new founded curiosity for this book. I could tell by the face he made as in like I was asking things way too late for his mind to process right before he shuts his mind down so he can sleep and get up early to go to work. However, I’m a chatter box and just carried on with extracting all my thoughts I had been thinking yesterday. “Did you know God is like way bigger then I think I can even comprehend!” I blurted as he snuggled tightly under his weighted blanket and 15 pillows. (He is a tall big muscular man, I get the 1500 pillows, I do! )

I hurried along to join him and I drifted off to sleep.

Each morning I wake up and I read my devotionals, so this morning was no different then before.

Now back to the jaw dropping….

A giggle and a smile swept over my face as I pressed in with my ears wide opened for what he was about to speak directly to me through the fine print. “Okay Lord, I’m listening!”

So 2019 what will it look like for me? Well let’s just say I will adopt God’s habit first, I trust you Jesus, then I will sprinkle on top of that some loving others and finding ways to bless them daily, combined with changing my eating habits to more Whole Foods/ less processed junk!

Lord Jesus thank you for your ways of teaching me what is important for my present time here on earth, help me to develop good habits this year Lord that will bless my mind, body, and soul, and bless others. In Jesus name I pray, Amen.

-❤️ Me

Your Compliments Are Desperately Needed

Sunday December 2, 2018

Listen up!

Your words, they have power!

Your words can break through lies and deception.

Life these days are busy, hectic, anxiety filled, and short.

We are stuck in the rat race trying to mark our check lists off and get things accomplished so we feel like we living up to the worlds standards of success. In the mean time we are forgetting to slow down and love one another with our words.

I experienced the beauty of honesty and the power of lies being broken in a record time of 4 seconds.

My nine year old daughter has a knack for being impulsive and speaking her mind at any given moment. When she was a toddler this could leave me mortified as to what was about to escape those precious tiny lips. However today she teaches me the beauty of simplicity in a word that has become infested with man made complications.

Last week we had to take her in to see a doctor because her body was fighting a virus hence her elevated body temperature. Our regular family physician was booked up and I was desperate to get her seen that day so we went with a doctor she has never seen before.

During the exam the lady doctor was very graciously answering all of her worried nine year old questions about what all was going on on inside of her little body, when aburtly out of no where her impulsive colorful words filled the room as she said as honestly as can be, “You are so beautiful!”

The doctor gasped in these vibrant color words in shock as she covered her mouth as to keep them safe inside, then she paused for a moment almost as if she were about to cry as she said, “It has been close to 30 years since I have been told that.” She collected herself, smiled and resumed the exam.

I was frozen in my chair in amazement of the fact that this beautiful woman who had dedicated her life to helping others has not heard the words every woman loves to hear, needs to hear, should be entitled to hear in 30 years!

Her reaction made me feel the emptiness she must have been feeling up until the words were spoken to her from my big hearted daughter.

In this moment she paused long enough to let some love come in. She felt a little lighter I am sure and I pray she will remember those words when the days beat her up and she is glaring at her reflection in the mirror believing anything less.

I was then convicted in the harsh truth that I could have been one of those daring voices that could have spread beauty and color into others who have needed to hear it, too many God given opportunities in the span of my life, but never did out of fear of sounding silly or fake.

We need to slow down and we need to appreciate the privilege we have to share love with our words and not waste moments being to busy and so self consumed to compliment each other.

I am going to do it, the next time the opportunity presents itself to me. I am going to just blurt it out for all to hear the color words of compliments out of love to others.

My new slogan I’m adopting for 2019 is this: Don’t Hurry, be Happy!

Slow down and appreciate and acknowledge the beautiful people in your life along the way. 💖

Ash’Leigh Harris

A Slap in the Face Lesson on Grace

3:47 pm 11/20/2018 Tuesday

One would describe what I went through this past month as a hard blunt slap to the face. You know the kind of slap you see on the movie screen as the pompous jerk gets a very deserving SMACK across his face as his present girlfriend catches him making out with another chick.

The kind of slap that was warranted because I was flat out being a spoiled brat, arrogant, and puffed up with pride.

Someone whom I love dearly in my life and whom I won’t name for the confidentiality of their sake had a come- back-down-to-earth talk with as we were getting ready to spend some time together.

The come-back-down-to-earth talk stung painfully as if I had literally just been slapped across the face. It smacked some hard core anger and confusion inside my heart.

I felt the anger whelp up inside me as my heart raced and the heavy lump caught in my throat. “Don’t you dare cry, don’t do it!” I yelled at myself inside my mind. It was my pride blurting out this command.

Pride. He is always the ugliest and meanest inside my head. He makes me act my complete worst! He makes me act stupid, selfish, childish, you name it.

I took the come-back-down-to- earth talk as an attack. Of course pride is the one who takes most offense to this, after all pride is very selfish. Selfish had become my new middle name.

I decided I was going to shut it all down then maybe I would be loved and accepted. Maybe then I could get something, anything right with relationships with the opposite sex.

The next day instead of going to the gym at my routine 4:30am time I skipped and found myself wide awake in my husband’s big comfy recliner in our living room. I knew there was something waiting in hiding for me to discover, like a ruby in the sand. It was there and I was going to find it. All the answers to my problems. At some point the enemy had convinced me I didn’t even know how to love others. He mocked and ridiculed me and used the smack down to drill it into my soul that I only loved myself.

I started searching scriptures when I stumbled across an article on self righteousness.

For years I had been striving and preforming and obeying God but for all the wrong reasons. My heart was pure at first but then I became sucked into the lie that if I measured up to this list of laws I gave myself then I would become a “really good” disciple of Christ. He would be the proudest of me and he would want to shine his glory and works through me because I was on top of my Holy Spirit “A” Game. Finally, I was special.

What I didn’t realize was during this striving for perfection I was ignoring those around me in my pursuit to be the best godly woman. I was loving feeding my insecurities with what I thought to be things God needed out of me to accept me and do his work in my life. I was in love with how I felt. For you see I was a forever lost and insecure girl who turned into a rejected and insecure woman. In my pursuit to be my best for God, all those insecurities were not lying on the surface of my heart anymore.I was feeling good and I didn’t want to let go of the happiness I found in my performance, in the striving in Christ of course. At least that’s what I truly believed. The danger with this behavior is that it’s detrimental to yourself when you fail because then you feel low and defeated and unloved again; not good enough.

When I read that list of bullets that fell under a self righteous person, heavy wet tears filled my checks as they dripped off my chin and onto my lap. To my unpleasant surprise my actions and thoughts were a perfect illustration of each bullet.

I had turned into a self righteous monster.

“I don’t want to be that person anymore, but how can I not be?” I thought to myself.

It took a lot of time, energy, and effort creating my godly woman character I had designed and slipped on like an expensive glamours party dress. If it comes off I will be naked and exposed.

How could I just do this, it would ruin me and my burn my safety net of feeling good enough. Most importantly what would God think? Would he call me a fraud, insecure, ridiculous? Would he choose not to use me anymore? Would he be angry that I was trying to manipulate him with my striving to answer my prayers and feeling accepted by him?

I didn’t know what to think or how to fix this so Numbness became my best friend.

Numbness made me feel like the loneliest person and most far away from God. I would cry myself to sleep begging him to talk to me, begging him to let me sense his presence, begging him to lift the numbness but numbness was robbing me and controlling my thoughts.

See when numbness becomes your friend, you no longer feel, therefore you don’t even know what or how to feel. You become cold and isolated, and it’s the worst feeling I think I experience as a human. Numbness accompanies anger because when I can’t feel, I get angry.

So there I was as numb, angry, confused and felt like I completely screwed it all up with my creator, on top of that I felt undeserving of God’s love and the come- back -to -earth talk person’s love.

I needed to let go of control.

I needed freedom from the unverbalized agreement exchange that I had made myself with God: perfection and performance in exchange of his acceptance and approval.

I needed to pop all my pride like a bright yellow balloon flying high with a pretty white streamer attached to its base. Inflated by deception from the enemy. Inflated with my own selfish pride to be better then what God calls us to be.

Then it hit me like a ton of bricks!

God wasn’t mad at me, he was so in love with me that he didn’t want me to continue my journey with him on the terms it set upon, the standards I created for relationship with him. So he allowed what should have shut me down to reteach me his design for relationship with him.

I needed to learn and experience his grace.

Interestingly enough my blog and Instagram name is Absorbing_Grace. I guess if the Lord has willed me the freedom to blog about absorbing grace, I needed a real life lesson on the subject!

This is what I learned.

The true exchange is my doubts and fears, insecurities, pride, perfection, need to be approved, envy, strife, control all of it for God’s love, mercy, grace, and forgiveness.

I will never be enough, but that’s okay because Jesus was and is, and Jesus made the ultimate exchange for me and you, when he bore all sins of humanity on the cross and laid down his life for us.

It was in that beautiful moment in time his exchange became enough for us all if we would just believe it, accept it, and confess it.

I told God I’m sorry for my foolish ways, sorry for my rebellion, my pride, and for believing I could control him in my life. I repented of that thinking and I told him I couldn’t live one day with out him in my life.

In this exchange his grace and love flooded my heart and Numbness was driven out of my soul. I could feel again! Love, excitement, peace, hope, it all came back to me!

Grace is an undeserved gift God gives us, his children.

Grace does not expect perfection, Jesus is our perfection.

Grace is not a sentence, grace is a comma.

Grace is continual.

Grace is a symptom of God’s love.

Grace can not be earned. It’s freely given.

Grace enables us to get back up after we fall or fail.

Grace is not a license to sin.

Grace enables forgiveness through Christ.

Grace enables us to be redeemed and saved through Christ.

“But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me.”

‭‭2 Corinthians‬ ‭12:9‬ ‭ESV‬‬

http://bible.com/59/2co.12.9.esv

“But if it is by grace, it is no longer on the basis of works; otherwise grace would no longer be grace.”

‭‭Romans‬ ‭11:6‬ ‭ESV‬‬

http://bible.com/59/rom.11.6.esv

“and are justified by his grace as a gift, through the redemption that is in Christ Jesus,”

‭‭Romans‬ ‭3:24‬ ‭ESV‬‬

http://bible.com/59/rom.3.24.esv

Grace can be extended to others through us.

Grace allows us to forgive and love those who have hurt us.

Maybe it’s time for some self-reflection. Are you living under God’s grace, or are you trying to be a control freak like me and earn brownie points? We can’t earn them, lol!

❤️Ash’Leigh

Rejection Chokes Out

Seeds of rejection take root underneath into the unseen heart which then grows into life choking vines that keep us trapped in our own solace.

Rejection masks itself as proud and strong but honestly it makes us weak, fearful, and vulnerable to letting others take advantage of us or hurt us. We then push away opportunities to love and be loved by others. We feel all alone and unwanted and ashamed.

Jesus is the healer of our hearts, our pains, our rejections. Today he is saying release the rejection and hurt into my hands, and I will give you a new heart that isn’t afraid to love anymore. He loves you and is waiting on you to love him. It’s time to do some landscaping! ❤

He knows

He heals the broken-hearted and binds their wounds. Psalms 147:3❤️

The Lord touched my soul about 6 years ago when I came across the scripture Psalms 27:10 Even if my father and mother abandon me, the LORD will hold me close. I was going through some difficult situations in my life where I had felt abandoned by the ones I loved.

When the hurt would creep in late at night while I was laying awake in bed I would imagine that Jesus would scoop me up and hold me tight like a little child being embraced by her mother.

This image that I would play over and over had the power to heal my brokenness that I would experience in those dark moments.

I don’t know what you are walking through today but my prayer is that you will pause, close your eyes and invision the Lord who loves you more then anyone on this earth embracing you as you weep at his feet casting all your burdensome cares  on him today to lighten your heavy load.

I believe he wants to be that love that embraces you today that reminds you with a soft whisper He is here, He knows, and He is able to heal your brokenness.

It’s okay to cry out to him and ask him to take the pain away.

❤️