Category: Encouragement

Caught in the Act

Gasp!!

Over the last week I caught myself doing something I shouldn’t have been doing not only once, but twice! Yes, that’s right, guilty as charged!!!! Gasp!

I got caught in the act of apologizing for being Me!

I caught myself pausing after being my authentic goof ball self and stating the obvious, “Oh, sorry my quirky is showing!” Have you ever just got lost in the moment, belted out the lyrics in a silly tone, danced a little goofy doing a jig because something made you excited, and then stopped mid way to regain your normal composure apologizing for having fun and being the you that only comes out when your all alone?

Yeah, we should really stop being afraid of who we are, quirks and all! People we hang with or do life with are not even going to care how corny we act if they truly love us. Maybe if we would stop trying to correct what society defends as normal, we could all be a little more free in our own personality.

Today as I was being my silly inner 10 year old self and paused to tell my husband, “sorry,” he automatically and truthfully asked me why, followed by a statement, “I like it!”

I can only speak for me when I say, the only reason I point out the obvious is out of fear. Fear that when I go off grid and act child like excited about something people are going to judge me. In that moment of pausing and apologizing I am seeking the approval of them to proceed to be vulnerable and uncover what’s under this adult made shell.

A life truly lived in freedom should reflect all areas of our personality to be free! Wouldn’t you agree?

I’m at a point in my life where I want to stop apologizing for actually enjoying myself no matter where I am at or what I am doing.

“For he sows seeds of light within his lovers, and seeds of joy burst forth for the lovers of God!”
‭‭Psalms‬ ‭97:11‬ ‭TPT‬‬

“These things I have spoken to you, that my joy may be in you, and that your joy may be full.”
‭‭John‬ ‭15:11‬ ‭ESV‬‬

It’s okay to love yourself enough to be the real you and act goofy! It’s okay to dance silly, or sing off tune, or say off the wall things! Jesus wants us to have a joyful life. Most joyful things will resemble childlike behaviors! If we are called children of God and we believe that, then why are we expected to be so put together and polished? Some of the most beautiful rocks I find have so many shapes, textures, and colors. Polished stones, though different colors, all feel the same.

I think I’m going to try something brave next time. The next time I let myself go and show my true hidden colors, I am not going to apologize or hid behind my “Whoops my crazy is showing,” statements! Maybe my joy will be contagious and just start rubbing off on those around me! Maybe your true joyful self will start rubbing off on others around you as well! 🤪😍🦋

May you grow in God’s grace!

🦋Ash’Leigh Harris

Quarantine and Personality Type Tests

My quarantined heart has been receiving an overhaul the past two weeks!

I did finish my spring cleaning, and managed to escape my mini melt down from my last blog post.  My wheels have been spinning for about two weeks now. That restless feeling has creeped back inside my mind, that one that bullies me into starting a thousand projects because I feel like I must be doing something, anything but sitting still. So, with that being said, I have started about 4 doodle drawings, made beaded bracelets to give away, and I started what is going to be huge granny square crochet blanket. While all these creative outlets are being opened one by one, there is also this desire to write a book or really pursue my writing with my blog. Welcome to the secret life of Me! I am all over the place diving into new projects but never able to finish one. Ha, Look at this blog for example. My heart is to be consistent and really develop a voice, but I lose interest. I have learned through taking a personality type test that I am very FEELINGS driven. If I lose interest or no longer associate happiness with what I am doing, I must then move on and start something else. But I must stop this madness! I must try and attempt to be consistent and finish a project I have started! This will be one of the biggest challenges for me, as it is deeply rooted into the design of my personality type.

I would like to encourage you to at some point this quarantine to take a personality test and start to get to understand what makes you uniquely you! There are many different personality types. I went to http://www.16personalities.com and took a free test. I think these results are interesting because they have been so spot on, however with that said, I don’t believe that just because this test gives in depth information of our personalities we don’t necessarily have to continue to behave this way forever. I would just use the test results as a healthy self evaluation of yourself, and to better understand how others may perceive you. I find it fascinating that God has created us all each unique and one of a kind, and he uses every aspect of our personalities to love those who are in our lives. Think about how boring the world would be if we all looked, acted, felt, processed, thought, loved, and responded to others the same way!

For me learning that my personality type entails believing that I can make this world a better place is a huge validation to this restlessness I was talking about above, and the drive behind it all. I am just wired to always have the need to encourage, help, and fix things and people around me. I now also understand why it hurts me deeply when some people just refuse to let me help them and reject me.

If you find things about your personality type that you don’t like, you can take it to the Lord in prayer and have him walk you through changing whatever it is you don’t like. The Holy Spirit will always guide and reveal things to your heart out of love. If you have trust issues, or control issues, you can take these to the Lord and exchange them with his faith, his love, his control, his safety, his provisions, his guidance, etc.

Just know moving forward when you read my content, it is shaped through the lens of a woman who truly loves people, and truly wants to help encourage you! It is my hearts desire for you that you would be drawn to Jesus and grow deeper in your relationship with him.

❤️ Ash’Leigh Harris

Loving the Hard People

Loving those who don’t love us back, is difficult.

The Holy Spirit told me every time you love in a place of hurt and rejection a seed is planted. This seed goes deep into rich soil. The seed starts to germinate out of unselfishness and creates a spectacular botanical garden that begins to expand and flourish.

Those tears that whelp and fall, those tears that scream and cry, “ God help me this hurts and I don’t want to,” those tears of sacrifice water these seeds. These seeds can not be stolen from the enemy because these seeds are watered by obedience, sacrifice, and God’s love and grace for that particular person.

Out of this growth are the most stunning and breath taking flowers which produce the warmest, richest aromas that flow out of our hearts. He explained to me that this garden is his. He put it in each of us. This garden was not man made but God made. It’s a love garden he loves to be in because it’s pure, it’s lovely, and because those flowers and all their beauty were conceived by our obedience, faith, and trust in Him.

We must seek to understand these heart gardens are real and live inside each of us. We can plant anger, jealousy,  bitterness, and out of it gross death, decay, and stinky stench.

This illustration helps me to understand that sacrifice doesn’t just die, it only lives.

Doing what is right will always birth love, kindness, goodness that creates a lasting ripple effect that ripples into our live, and the lives of others continually.

Doing what is wrong conceives death and destruction, this too having a rippling effect that lasts continuously which impacts us and those around us negatively.

So even when when we don’t feel like doing what is right, if we are wise, we will do what is right because each choice we make will have a ripple effect that will produce the power to love and forgive and move on, or stay in bondage to unforgiveness and strife with those around us.

Giving Thanks to God for The Year of the Endless Possibilities 2019

Thanksgiving is tomorrow and I happen to be off from work so why not blog on how much I am truly thankful to be alive in 2019?

I asked the Lord for a word for this year back in December of 2018 and he told me Endless Possibilities. My BFF, Kathleen, was kind enough to paint it on a little piece of wood so that I could keep my eyes on it for the coming months. I had big dreams, big God Dreams with my art, and I was even planning on starting a coloring book over the summer. I had so many carnal dreams and ambitions. I still long to be able to sell something I create to others. This desire has and will always be a dream of mine.

But, I believe God had better things in store for me. Things that were not in the natural so to speak. Things that can not be bought with man made money, nor sold.  In 2019 he has given me endless possibilities to know him more fully, to trust him steadily, and to seek him in all things. He has called me into a deeper love with him, and he has shaped and molded my beliefs to become more aligned with his word. He has assembled my faith so strong, and he has put me through the fires, so to speak, to teach me to sincerely trust what his word says, and to trust in his faithfulness.

The coloring book did not get a running start, nor did any art hooks ups ever come my way. I did happen to meet an Artist downtown, and I really thought hard about taking an art class. These leads just never seemed to get me walking in the right direction. I had to come into my own and stop comparing myself to others. I had to break free from some lies, self doubts, and insecurities. I had to taste true freedom in discovering my identity in Christ and become who he created me to be. The beautiful things is, I think it takes our whole lives to “become” who he originally created us to be, and that is the beauty of walking with him every day in this life.

Seasons come and seasons go, and as we learn and receive more wisdom and revelation of his love for us, we evolve; we change. I don’t ever want to stay the same, stuck in repetitive patterns of thinking that could be toxic to my soul.

I want grow in grace each year, becoming more and more like my original blue print.

I want to love deeper.

I want to express my love more willingly.

I want to share the love of christ with everyone I meet, and I want my life to be a beautiful dance of worship to the King of Kings, and the Lord of Lords, JESUS.

I want to give myself to my gifts and callings, and I want to see his will be done on Earth as it is in Heaven.

I want to speak the words he gives to me others eloquently and full of faith.

I want to be lead by the Holy Spirit.

I want to be a light that shines bright in a dark place.

I want to see the love of God heal broken people.

I want to see the love of God set people free from bondage.

I want to see the love of God transform people and change their whole trajectory of life.

I want to see generations rise up and be the hands and feet of Jesus.

I want to see a church on fire for God.

I want to see mountains be moved in faith.

I want to see hope in the hurting, and I want to see miracles, signs, and wonders follow all of those who truly believe in Him.

There is so much to be done, with such a short time span to be here on this earth to see it come to pass.

So as I sit here and pour my heart out into this post I just sit in awe and I give thanks for all that God has done in my life. I give thanks for the seasons of the hills and the valleys, because they teach me more of how much I need dependency on God and less upon myself and others.

2019 wasn’t a walk in the park. 2019 was a hard year of loving people who do not love me back, and doing for others expecting nothing in return. It was a year of dying to myself, a year of seeking first the kingdom and what God has assigned to me for this time. I trust he will give me all the desires of my heart, until then I will give thanks for all that he has given me in the present, and I will continue to seek him, to love him more, to grow more mature in him. Thank you King Jesus, thank you for loving me, and allowing me access to you and the Father through your Holy Spirit!

Happy Thanksgiving!

-Ash’Leigh Harris

Say Something

Blank Page

So empty
So calm
So peaceful.
Endless possibilities
No expectations
No disappointments
Nothing
Spotless
Clean
Free from impression.
What will you mark?
What will you say?
Something positive?
Something negative?
Something exciting?
Something daunting?
Something beautiful?
Something ugly?
Something colorful?
Something glumly?
Will you write?
Will you doodle?
Scribble scrabble?
Lie or tell the truth?
Pour out your soul or
joke around?
Your the creator, make it yours.
Don’t sell out, don’t be a fake or a phony.
Just be authentic, transparent.
Be true to yourself always.
Never compromise for acceptance.
Be you!

Standing steady

October 25, 2019

Today I feel joy, and contentment. God has been so good to me and today I chose to celebrate him and the goodness he has brought into my life.

I am still in a season of being put into the fire but I, finally in my maturity, let God just sustain me and fight my battles. It’s been amazing and I say this after his grace washed over me and gave me a new song to sing in this chapter of my life.

If I would have wrote down my thoughts a month ago I would have had to write from a place of dissatisfaction and hurt. My Words would have had thorns in them, razor sharp to the touch.

A little over a month ago I threw a fit. I yelled, and I bawled, and I expressed and confessed to God how deeply I was in pain. I couldn’t see a way out, and I felt so lost inside the hopelessness that felt like my present reality.

We don’t have to hold our feelings in all the time. Know that even if your a God’s daughter or God’s son you will still experience feelings of hurt, persecution, rejection from others, and pain. We are not super human with the ability to cast off human emotions. Don’t let pride tell you that you are not allowed to feel emotions. I have spent a long time coming to terms with this. I use to think that if I let others hurt me I wasn’t trusting God enough to heal the pain, but this was just the devils attempt to deceive me into thinking emotions were bad and a sign of doubt and weakness on my part. So what did I do? I stuffed and stuffed and stuffed some more, until I was so full of pretending all my feelings came spilling over like the rushing waters in a spill way. Tears flying galore!

We are allowed to feel but we are not allowed to let those emotions cause us to sin. Anger leads to danger extremely quick! Depression leads to isolation. Rejection and pain can make you be more inner focused which leads to being selfish and self absorbed; the victim who feeds on self pity and any attention we can get our hands on from others.

I finally made my mind up that I would wait on God and I would see the victory because I can chose to stand on his word. His word says that if he is for me, then who could be against me? His word says that the lord will fight my battles, all I have to do is be still. The lord says he will prove to be false the words that rise against me in judgement. I had read them all so many times before but never did I once just hold on and wait it out trusting him and keeping my cool.

Instead off letting the world know I was wobbly and falling apart, I went to the quiet place, and prayed and praises God for what he was doing and will do even if I can’t see it now in the natural.

My battle isn’t over but my fighting strategy is new and is still in play. This strategy of keeping my peace and being true to myself has given me a clear conscience and a mind that is free of fear, and always assuming the worst outcome.

I’m steady…. I am strong because in my weakness he is Strong, and the joy of the Lord is my strength! ❤️

Leigh Leigh

He is in the Waiting

Think about what transformations could be made in our hearts if we could just wait upon the Lord in our difficult seasons. What if we could really take him at his word and trust him? What if we could become closer to him in friendship, what if we could draw strength we never knew existed? What if we could experience joy in our sorrows for real?

WHAT IF WE DID or Do??

Like for real- not just what the psalmist sing about?

I am ready to trust deeper and love deeper. I’m ready to be willing to surrender my control over and truly be in the blessing of the waiting. The blessing is the transformation, it’s the victory of overcoming what the enemy tries to throw on us- depression, anxiety, and fear.

Doodle Inspiration from 🎼the Song🎤Take Courage by @bethelmusic #propheticart #trustgod #waituponthelord #sharpieart

❤️Ash’Leigh Harris

What is satan up to Today?

Four things he is trying to steal from you Today.

What is he trying to steal from me? What is he trying to steal from you?

  1. Joy
  2. Liberty
  3. Attention/ Focus
  4. Faith

Jesus came to destroy the works of hell. We learn this in Hebrews 2:14 “Since the children have flesh and blood, He too shared in their humanity so that by His death He might destroy him who holds the power of death, that is, the Devil.”

Each day we have a choice to co-labor with the Father through the Holy Spirit to see Heaven come down to earth. Anointed to do good works, and point others to Christ, the one who Saves. (Isaiah 61:1 NKJV) “The Spirit of the Lord GOD is upon Me, Because the LORD has anointed Me To preach good tidings to the poor; He has sent Me to heal the brokenhearted, To proclaim liberty to the captives, And the opening of the prison to those who are bound;

Today the Lord made it very clear that not only was I engaged in a spiritual battle, but this attack was specifically to distract me. As I got in the car and rehearsed the insanity of the day, my daughter brought it to my attention that tonight she wanted to pray for a little boy that enrolled in our school. He has a voice, but can not speak. She told me we needed to pray for God to heal his vocal cords because this was very important that he would need to talk in his life. As soon as she spoke those words of love for this child she has just encountered for the first time, the thought hit me how I missed that this morning. Though I was enrolling this student, anger was boiling under my surface lingering from a hellish attack before walking into the office, and I was trying to concentrate and keep my cool, praying for others was the last on my mind, sadly. 

The enemy will come against us every singe day. We have to be prepared for that. We have to pray on the Lord’s armor, he has not left us to fend for ourselves. As we shield up and seek his face in the midst of our adversaries attacks and schemes, he is faithful to fight for us. 

He will go after our joy. Why? Because the our joy is our strength. He wants us weak.

He will go after our liberty by deceiving us with circumstances that make us believe we will never get over this, surely it will not pass soon enough, we think. We will be enslaved in a negative mind set, a defeated mindset.

He will go after our focus. Who stops to think of others and their needs when they are only focused on themselves and their momentary feelings. He is blinding us to those around us in need. 

He goes after our faith. When it feels like the Lord is silent or we aren’t rescued soon enough. When we are slandered or lied on, mocked, or ridiculed, and we don’t get our vengeance, we start to fear and slowly our faith to stand tall becomes fading. 

Tomorrow you and I will be faced with another opportunity to either fall for his tricks, or pray for wisdom and revelation of the attack that is being launched at us. I pray that we would be sensitive to say no, not today satan. You will not steal my joy, my liberty, my focus, or my faith. Prepare to set your mind on things above and during the attacks take a deep breath,  and then quickly surrender your desire to control the situation to handle it on your own. 

The Lord will fight for you, you need only to be still. Exodus 14:14

 

 

 

When we feel far away from the Lord

What derails us from running after Christ?

“holding faith and a good conscience. By rejecting this, some have made shipwreck of their faith,”

‭‭1 Timothy‬ ‭1:19‬ ‭ESV‬‬

Lately life has seen to have thrown some curve balls, and what seemed like amazing momentum for our art ministry quickly seemed to evaporate into thin air like drops on glistening skin on a parched sun slapped summer day. There one moment, gone the next.

You see art had become a huge part of my life for the past few years as God was taking me on a self discovery journey in him through worshiping him in my artistic abilities. Events unfolded which caused me to have to put the art supplies down and concentrate on other things at the time.

I know I was made to worship and I know deep down in my heart I am a worshipper. I got side tracked and seemed to stop worshipping and did more praying on the sly. Distraction of course was the reasoning to all of this.

Also doors were shut on our creative worship ministry with the immigrations holding facility and well people seemed to perish with our vision. I had lost my vision and my spark. I had stopped worshipping in spirit and I began to feel as though I was shrinking away.

As I was parking Dora my Ford Explore into the parking lot where I work, I began to just ask the Lord how can I be signing and dancing and have so much zeal for him one day and the next feel as flat as a week old helium filled balloon? He then reminded me of a verse I had heard once about how we please God through our faith, and then I stared to string the thoughts along ..you just…. need ….to have…. faith …..to love…. me… because… I love you. You shrink back ….in fear because you ……get side tracked, and then ……think I’m disappointed in you, but …..really I’m not disappointed. I am sad …..because I miss …..our time together.

I like this scripture in Timothy because I believe it is a clear answer to the question of why we feel flat or dry or in lack with our relationship with Christ. We are missing the element of faith and being deceived that God is mad at us, or has turned his back on us because we have neglected our desire for him. Let’s be honest for a second when you start listening to those lies that are being launched at you that just because you didn’t read scripture today, you have done lost your salvation. Then what happens is by the end of the day you are so derailed and so side swiped by entertaining lie after lie you find yourself straying for some of your disciplines, and you start making choices that violate your conscience. Slowly and slowly with each careless choice you make you feel more isolated and buried in your own pile of mess, ever so far from where you were with Christ.

I don’t know about you, but I am tired of feeling ship wrecked and exhausted form trying to swim myself back to the shore.

The life safety vest is being grounded in faith holding tight to it even when you feel like you are drowning. Hold on so tight to your faith and even when you don’t feel like it continue to hold fast to your beliefs and let your moral compass lead your way. God is not going to leave you, he is not going to give up on you because you feel at the moment that you are ready to give up on him. Press in, and endure each season, each storm. It’s so cliche but there really is a rainbow that is glorious and on bright display once the dark clouds have rolled away and the rain drops have all fallen into the thirsty soil.

We should never stop thirsting for more of him because he promises to always quench our desires for more of him.

So stand tall, dust the fear off and wake your sleepy faith back up.

We must never forget we are His key holders to his Kingdom here on earth!

Habits for 2019 and beyond

10:44am Friday, January 4th

(Note to self -this is for me)

God is so awesome that he made my jaw drop when I read the first line of my devotion for today!

Let me back up. Every new year I obsess over becoming better then I was the year before. Weather it be more healthier, more intuned with the Holy Spirit, better wife, better mom, better daughter, the list goes on. So it was only natural for me to start figuring out what I would work on for 2019 and habits seemed to surface my mind. Apparently we as humans are habitual creatures who do most of life on habits we have unknowingly created weather good or bad. I was asking my husband if he had finished his habits book at work because I remember him sharing some of the things he was learning from it a few months ago.

Last night I was asking him more questions about it and he was quite taking by my new founded curiosity for this book. I could tell by the face he made as in like I was asking things way too late for his mind to process right before he shuts his mind down so he can sleep and get up early to go to work. However, I’m a chatter box and just carried on with extracting all my thoughts I had been thinking yesterday. “Did you know God is like way bigger then I think I can even comprehend!” I blurted as he snuggled tightly under his weighted blanket and 15 pillows. (He is a tall big muscular man, I get the 1500 pillows, I do! )

I hurried along to join him and I drifted off to sleep.

Each morning I wake up and I read my devotionals, so this morning was no different then before.

Now back to the jaw dropping….

A giggle and a smile swept over my face as I pressed in with my ears wide opened for what he was about to speak directly to me through the fine print. “Okay Lord, I’m listening!”

So 2019 what will it look like for me? Well let’s just say I will adopt God’s habit first, I trust you Jesus, then I will sprinkle on top of that some loving others and finding ways to bless them daily, combined with changing my eating habits to more Whole Foods/ less processed junk!

Lord Jesus thank you for your ways of teaching me what is important for my present time here on earth, help me to develop good habits this year Lord that will bless my mind, body, and soul, and bless others. In Jesus name I pray, Amen.

-❤️ Me

Your Compliments Are Desperately Needed

Sunday December 2, 2018

Listen up!

Your words, they have power!

Your words can break through lies and deception.

Life these days are busy, hectic, anxiety filled, and short.

We are stuck in the rat race trying to mark our check lists off and get things accomplished so we feel like we living up to the worlds standards of success. In the mean time we are forgetting to slow down and love one another with our words.

I experienced the beauty of honesty and the power of lies being broken in a record time of 4 seconds.

My nine year old daughter has a knack for being impulsive and speaking her mind at any given moment. When she was a toddler this could leave me mortified as to what was about to escape those precious tiny lips. However today she teaches me the beauty of simplicity in a word that has become infested with man made complications.

Last week we had to take her in to see a doctor because her body was fighting a virus hence her elevated body temperature. Our regular family physician was booked up and I was desperate to get her seen that day so we went with a doctor she has never seen before.

During the exam the lady doctor was very graciously answering all of her worried nine year old questions about what all was going on on inside of her little body, when aburtly out of no where her impulsive colorful words filled the room as she said as honestly as can be, “You are so beautiful!”

The doctor gasped in these vibrant color words in shock as she covered her mouth as to keep them safe inside, then she paused for a moment almost as if she were about to cry as she said, “It has been close to 30 years since I have been told that.” She collected herself, smiled and resumed the exam.

I was frozen in my chair in amazement of the fact that this beautiful woman who had dedicated her life to helping others has not heard the words every woman loves to hear, needs to hear, should be entitled to hear in 30 years!

Her reaction made me feel the emptiness she must have been feeling up until the words were spoken to her from my big hearted daughter.

In this moment she paused long enough to let some love come in. She felt a little lighter I am sure and I pray she will remember those words when the days beat her up and she is glaring at her reflection in the mirror believing anything less.

I was then convicted in the harsh truth that I could have been one of those daring voices that could have spread beauty and color into others who have needed to hear it, too many God given opportunities in the span of my life, but never did out of fear of sounding silly or fake.

We need to slow down and we need to appreciate the privilege we have to share love with our words and not waste moments being to busy and so self consumed to compliment each other.

I am going to do it, the next time the opportunity presents itself to me. I am going to just blurt it out for all to hear the color words of compliments out of love to others.

My new slogan I’m adopting for 2019 is this: Don’t Hurry, be Happy!

Slow down and appreciate and acknowledge the beautiful people in your life along the way. 💖

Ash’Leigh Harris

A Slap in the Face Lesson on Grace

3:47 pm 11/20/2018 Tuesday

One would describe what I went through this past month as a hard blunt slap to the face. You know the kind of slap you see on the movie screen as the pompous jerk gets a very deserving SMACK across his face as his present girlfriend catches him making out with another chick.

The kind of slap that was warranted because I was flat out being a spoiled brat, arrogant, and puffed up with pride.

Someone whom I love dearly in my life and whom I won’t name for the confidentiality of their sake had a come- back-down-to-earth talk with as we were getting ready to spend some time together.

The come-back-down-to-earth talk stung painfully as if I had literally just been slapped across the face. It smacked some hard core anger and confusion inside my heart.

I felt the anger whelp up inside me as my heart raced and the heavy lump caught in my throat. “Don’t you dare cry, don’t do it!” I yelled at myself inside my mind. It was my pride blurting out this command.

Pride. He is always the ugliest and meanest inside my head. He makes me act my complete worst! He makes me act stupid, selfish, childish, you name it.

I took the come-back-down-to- earth talk as an attack. Of course pride is the one who takes most offense to this, after all pride is very selfish. Selfish had become my new middle name.

I decided I was going to shut it all down then maybe I would be loved and accepted. Maybe then I could get something, anything right with relationships with the opposite sex.

The next day instead of going to the gym at my routine 4:30am time I skipped and found myself wide awake in my husband’s big comfy recliner in our living room. I knew there was something waiting in hiding for me to discover, like a ruby in the sand. It was there and I was going to find it. All the answers to my problems. At some point the enemy had convinced me I didn’t even know how to love others. He mocked and ridiculed me and used the smack down to drill it into my soul that I only loved myself.

I started searching scriptures when I stumbled across an article on self righteousness.

For years I had been striving and preforming and obeying God but for all the wrong reasons. My heart was pure at first but then I became sucked into the lie that if I measured up to this list of laws I gave myself then I would become a “really good” disciple of Christ. He would be the proudest of me and he would want to shine his glory and works through me because I was on top of my Holy Spirit “A” Game. Finally, I was special.

What I didn’t realize was during this striving for perfection I was ignoring those around me in my pursuit to be the best godly woman. I was loving feeding my insecurities with what I thought to be things God needed out of me to accept me and do his work in my life. I was in love with how I felt. For you see I was a forever lost and insecure girl who turned into a rejected and insecure woman. In my pursuit to be my best for God, all those insecurities were not lying on the surface of my heart anymore.I was feeling good and I didn’t want to let go of the happiness I found in my performance, in the striving in Christ of course. At least that’s what I truly believed. The danger with this behavior is that it’s detrimental to yourself when you fail because then you feel low and defeated and unloved again; not good enough.

When I read that list of bullets that fell under a self righteous person, heavy wet tears filled my checks as they dripped off my chin and onto my lap. To my unpleasant surprise my actions and thoughts were a perfect illustration of each bullet.

I had turned into a self righteous monster.

“I don’t want to be that person anymore, but how can I not be?” I thought to myself.

It took a lot of time, energy, and effort creating my godly woman character I had designed and slipped on like an expensive glamours party dress. If it comes off I will be naked and exposed.

How could I just do this, it would ruin me and my burn my safety net of feeling good enough. Most importantly what would God think? Would he call me a fraud, insecure, ridiculous? Would he choose not to use me anymore? Would he be angry that I was trying to manipulate him with my striving to answer my prayers and feeling accepted by him?

I didn’t know what to think or how to fix this so Numbness became my best friend.

Numbness made me feel like the loneliest person and most far away from God. I would cry myself to sleep begging him to talk to me, begging him to let me sense his presence, begging him to lift the numbness but numbness was robbing me and controlling my thoughts.

See when numbness becomes your friend, you no longer feel, therefore you don’t even know what or how to feel. You become cold and isolated, and it’s the worst feeling I think I experience as a human. Numbness accompanies anger because when I can’t feel, I get angry.

So there I was as numb, angry, confused and felt like I completely screwed it all up with my creator, on top of that I felt undeserving of God’s love and the come- back -to -earth talk person’s love.

I needed to let go of control.

I needed freedom from the unverbalized agreement exchange that I had made myself with God: perfection and performance in exchange of his acceptance and approval.

I needed to pop all my pride like a bright yellow balloon flying high with a pretty white streamer attached to its base. Inflated by deception from the enemy. Inflated with my own selfish pride to be better then what God calls us to be.

Then it hit me like a ton of bricks!

God wasn’t mad at me, he was so in love with me that he didn’t want me to continue my journey with him on the terms it set upon, the standards I created for relationship with him. So he allowed what should have shut me down to reteach me his design for relationship with him.

I needed to learn and experience his grace.

Interestingly enough my blog and Instagram name is Absorbing_Grace. I guess if the Lord has willed me the freedom to blog about absorbing grace, I needed a real life lesson on the subject!

This is what I learned.

The true exchange is my doubts and fears, insecurities, pride, perfection, need to be approved, envy, strife, control all of it for God’s love, mercy, grace, and forgiveness.

I will never be enough, but that’s okay because Jesus was and is, and Jesus made the ultimate exchange for me and you, when he bore all sins of humanity on the cross and laid down his life for us.

It was in that beautiful moment in time his exchange became enough for us all if we would just believe it, accept it, and confess it.

I told God I’m sorry for my foolish ways, sorry for my rebellion, my pride, and for believing I could control him in my life. I repented of that thinking and I told him I couldn’t live one day with out him in my life.

In this exchange his grace and love flooded my heart and Numbness was driven out of my soul. I could feel again! Love, excitement, peace, hope, it all came back to me!

Grace is an undeserved gift God gives us, his children.

Grace does not expect perfection, Jesus is our perfection.

Grace is not a sentence, grace is a comma.

Grace is continual.

Grace is a symptom of God’s love.

Grace can not be earned. It’s freely given.

Grace enables us to get back up after we fall or fail.

Grace is not a license to sin.

Grace enables forgiveness through Christ.

Grace enables us to be redeemed and saved through Christ.

“But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me.”

‭‭2 Corinthians‬ ‭12:9‬ ‭ESV‬‬

http://bible.com/59/2co.12.9.esv

“But if it is by grace, it is no longer on the basis of works; otherwise grace would no longer be grace.”

‭‭Romans‬ ‭11:6‬ ‭ESV‬‬

http://bible.com/59/rom.11.6.esv

“and are justified by his grace as a gift, through the redemption that is in Christ Jesus,”

‭‭Romans‬ ‭3:24‬ ‭ESV‬‬

http://bible.com/59/rom.3.24.esv

Grace can be extended to others through us.

Grace allows us to forgive and love those who have hurt us.

Maybe it’s time for some self-reflection. Are you living under God’s grace, or are you trying to be a control freak like me and earn brownie points? We can’t earn them, lol!

❤️Ash’Leigh