Ramblings of a Quarantined Heart

Journal entry: April 13, 2020

Where there is no vision, the people perish; Proverbs 29:18

I have a vision. A vision that overwhelms me!

This reset has had me restless if you will. What should I be reflecting on Lord? What do I need to let go? I keep praying, waiting on the answers.

The thought occurred to me this morning that I am busy, I am so busy, but the reality of this issues is I MAKE MYSELF and KEEP MYSELF Busy ON PURPOSE. I am always searching, always looking, never able to find rest. Do you feel this way?

Let me clarify. I am not even necessarily busy doing things of importance. Busy checking social media, busy occupying my day with things that stimulate me, busy snacking, and busy keeping myself entertained.

So as I look around my home this morning I am starting to feel like I am becoming suffocated because of my business.. My loose ends, my unattractive flaws of always having my hands in something for the sake of feeling in control are officially caving in on me, and I am about to SCREAM!

But I don’t know how to stop!! I don’t know how to not keep my self busy doing things to keep me busy for the sake of it. I do not know how to simply this life I live. I am clueless, I am dumb. I need help!

I need to absorb some grace for this in this season. I need prayer for this vision, and wisdom to be guide.

More to come!

 

Jump back on

Monday equals fresh start to the week! If you jumped off the band wagon over the weekend why not start back today?

I have learned that when I stop doing what I am suppose to be doing to keep my body in check doubt creeps in my mind! When I am busy keeping up with my running and my work outs, there is no room for doubt!

The more you do something, the easier it gets. The less you do something, the harder it gets!

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Let’s do this!
Leigh Leigh

Breaking “Perfect Mom”

I have officially given up on being the “Prefect Mom!”

Now wait before you go judging hear me out! This urge to be the “Perfect Mom” comes with the territory of being a “Step Mom” and a “Foster Mom” as well. To be quit frank it has been exhausting and completely stupid to say the least!

The older I get the more I realize my kids, step kids, and foster kids don’t need me to be the “Perfect Mom.” Perfect as in one who: never never cries or feel depressed, loses her cool, never stumbles, never does something completely stupid, never misses an appointment, or sleeps through an alarm, forgets a pep rally, a lunch, wouldn’t dare open her mouth without thinking, never burns a meal, or has an untidy house. I have tired myself down to nothing trying to maintain the perfect clean house while staying on top of laundry for seven people in my home, attending as many sports games between three of my five children as I possibly could, and juggling a part time job. My smile was plastered on BIG and BRIGHT, but I felt empty and disappointed on the inside.

My children need a real mom. One whose love knows no end, disciplines when she would rather be their friend, one who is always there for them, attentive to their wants, desires, and needs, and shows grace when it is or isn’t merited. They need me more then I need the illusion of being the “Prefect Mom.”

I don’t want my children to live with false expectations of what the world has to offer in other people. I am no one special, just a woman who is trying her best at this whole wife, mother thing! I have days where I feel like an overachiever, and days like a true failure. I am a woman so I can experience both of these highs and lows about 30 times in one day!

I want my kids to see me at my best, and at my worst. When I am in first place and on top of the world am I showing them what humbleness and humility looks like? When I finish in last place and feeling down and out do I complain, or extend blame on everyone else’s short coming but my own? How about my attitude? They are watching you know, every move you make, your actions and reactions.

I want them to know that I don’t expect perfection out of them, just their best! I want them to know that I am giving up on being the “Perfect Mother” for them, but not my true honest attempts to be the best version of myself for them as their Mom. There is no such thing as perfection on this earth in my eyes, so striving for that only exhaust me and disappoints me.

I want my children to grow up being real people! I don’t want them to feel like they have to fake perfection to make other people accept them or love them. I want them to know that there will be days where they will need grace and mercy and days where they will need to extend grace and mercy to others.

We all have a story, a past, made mistakes, experienced life changing events that have impacted us and helped shape us into who we are today. I long for the days I can sit up late talking to them like we are friends, sharing my past days of when I was little with them, all the dumb things I did, and all the fun adventures I lived as well, but Today is not that day.

Today is the day I show them love, and I teach them discipline. Today is the day I  train them up in the way they should live and treat others, how to make right choices, help mold their character, and  teach them to always do the right thing, even if it “feels” wrong. Today is the day I show them how to seek first the kingdom of God,  putting others needs before their own, and teach them how to love and forgive themselves and others around them.

It’s imperative that I share the love of Christ with them, building them up on truth and what God says about them! I think it is important that they realize that while I am their Mother here on this earth, there will be a time when I will be a sister in Christ, glorifying our Lord and Savior with them together some day.

I long for that day! That day when all this responsibility of being a Mom is gone and I am left with just being their loving sister in Christ. I will hope that they learned from me, received love from me, knew that I was just trying to give it my best, and while we were here together I loved them the closest to how God loves us, unconditionally!

When I think of how much I love them, my heart burst to know how much I am loved as a daughter of Christ! My love is far from perfect, but his love is perfect for me and every other Momma out there!

I am giving up on being the “Perfect Mom’, but  will never give up on becoming my best each day for them. They were hand selected just for me! When insecurities creep in my mind, I just remind myself that they are an exact reflection of Gods love, and a reminder that I have everything they need out of a Mom to raise them up to be bold and courageous soldiers for him!

If your an Expecting Mom, a New Mom, a Veteran Mom, a Step Mom, an Adoptive Mom, a Foster Mom, you have everything your child needs to feel loved and to be loved! Don’t seek perfection, seek Jesus, he who is Perfect will work out all the perfection you need from him through you for them, and remember in your weakest mommy moments, he is strong! Lean on him, cry to him, ask him to carry your burden load.

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How has being a Mom changed you? Are you seeking perfection on your adventure of motherhood? Please share and comment below.

Leigh Leigh

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Overwhelmed Much?

 

I am OVERWHELMED!

I have exactly one week until I turn 29 years old. This number has been a cruel reminder that I have one more year left of my 20s. Why does this freak me out so much? I mean its only 29! Shouldn’t I be going through these motions as a 29 year old fixing to turn 30? Oh well, guess I am a crazy person!?

“Do I suffer from Attention Deficient Disorder or am I just discontent?” I asked my husband late last night while we were talking about hobbies and things we enjoy doing. For giggles, I like to make fun of myselfso I started to go through the list out loud of all the crazy things I have done over the past few years. The joke really was on me when I started actually counting up my silly escapades of things we call “Hobby’s, talents, time fillers.” I laughed it off and dropped it.

The short car ride each morning to take my son to school has become my self reflection outlet. I love to get in the car and drive off into the beautiful sun rise knowing this is the start of a new day. The bright Sunshine brings warmth to my face as I sit at the four way stop waiting on my turn to take a left. I am almost home and whatever I do that day will not begin until the ignition is turned off and I make my way back into my favorite place I call home.

This mornings car ride sparked questions; what is it? Am I discontent Lord, or do I just have a super bad attention problem? I keep searching for that one thing that sets me apart that I love doing. Did you really create us to be good at one thing? I mean there are singers who sing, athletes who play professional sports, artists who paint, teachers who teach, dancers who dance, authors who write best sellers. Why can’t I just find that one thing I find joy in and confidence in?

I have to figure things out, when I can’t it drives me insane. So I did the only thing I know to do when I just can’t seem to put my finger on it I journal. I love how God knows what we are going to ask and when we are going to ask it. My journal time usually becomes a super divine conversation with my maker.

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I titled todays entry ADD OR DISCONTENTMENT and then I made a list of everything new I have tried in the last four to five years. I will just stop and say, I am a little embarrassed to share this with you because you will really think I am a CRAZY if you don’t already! 😉 Each item listed was going to be “MY THING,” you know that one thing you do all the time because you love it and you are good at it! I have only stuck with two of them which are in italics. I do however hope that the blogging becomes permanent!

  • Working out
  • Hair bows
  • Handmade get well cards/birthday box
  • Crochet (self taught by YouTube videos)
  • Journaling
  • Blogging
  • Mums
  • Hand made jewelry
  • Organizer binds for house chores
  • Flower Garden
  • Fondant cake making

 

 

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I then brainstormed what I loved to do when I was younger. I use to love making collages out of magazine clippings. I would love to redecorate and rearrange my room over and over and over again. I was beginning to make a connection. My 20s looks a lot like a collage of things I would have made when I was a teenager. I had collaged and collected all my interests and all I had left was a big mess of everything running together to create a blob of massive proportions: dollars lost, over flowing bags of ribbon, cardstock, glue sticks, and yarn taking over a closet in my house!

It wasn’t until ran out of lines to see the scripture that was printed on my journal page at the bottom.

The journal I am currently using was a Mother’s Day gift from my Husband and children a year ago. I LOVE this journal because on every other page there is a scripture posted at the bottom.  It is no surprise to me that the answer I was looking for would be starring right at me on todays blank sheet!

“Whatever you do, whether in word or deed, do it all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through Him.”

Colossians 3:17

OH MY WORD!!!!” Whatever you do,” it didn’t say the “ONE thing you do.” I was instantly hooked and reeled in on the word “whatever.” I knew if I dug a little deeper in scripture I would find what I was searching for. I proceeded to grab for my LIFE Handbook, my Bible, and I read over Colossians and 1 Timothy 6.

I kept staring at my list, there were so many things on this list in such a short amount of time in my life. Why so many? I then remembered how creative our Creator is. I mean stop and think about the variety we have on this planet; people, food, animals, plants, the colors each night of the sky as the sun is setting. He has created so many things and they all bring glory back to himself. I began to ponder if God has so much variety with us here on planet earth what is really the matter with having so many things on this paper? Maybe he doesn’t want us to limit ourselves to just one thing!? I closed my journal and read some more. 1 Timothy 6:6 says that” Godliness with contentment is great gain.” I knew I had let my imagination run off course and I was brought back with this truth.

I should not be too concerned about what makes me happy or wasting time comparing myself to other women’s talents, hobbies, gifts.

 I should be more concerned about how the desires, talents , and gifts God has given to me bring benefits to others not myself.

After all, My life really isn’t my own.

When you put verses 23 and 24 together in Colossians 3 you will realize that it all comes back to being a servant of Christ.

23″ Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for human masters,24 since you know that you will receive an inheritance from the Lord as a reward. It is the Lord Christ you are serving.”

If your suffer from crazy ADD or DS (discontentment disorder), such as myself, make a list of all your crazy endeavors and then examine the motives behind each one and label that motive beside the item. Do they benefit just you, just others, or both? My motive list included attention, pride, and ways to make money. (Ouch) These things I can mark off. I can come back to them later in life when my motives are no longer one of the three previously stated. 😉 What brings joy or encouragement to others? Those things, you should keep!

This morning I found contentment in this truth; I am a servant of the Lord, and “whatever” I choose to do with my free time be it a hobby or just for fun, I should focus on my motives behind it, and if it doesn’t give thanks to the Lord and it doesn’t benefit others, I am wasting my time, energy, and focus on it. I need to drop it and let it go. This gives me freedom from being OVERWHELMED!!!!

Being mindful to be a blessing to others will bless you as well.

I have a new outlook on my hobby list and my condition. I do not suffer from ADD, but I do suffer from discontentment because nothing Godly was gained in my pathetic attempts to chase after things that did not bring any satisfaction to anyone else but myself.

I feel confident that I can now bring my focus back on to others while I am enjoying things that I love to do! Contentment is a BEAUTIFUL thing!

Be Beautiful-

Leigh Leigh